Hope is all I can ask for

So…lets start off by saying that I know life is hard.  It’s hard for different people in different ways.  That being said Life is AMAZING!!! Life is what we are doing right here, right now. 

It is coming up on my year of weight the Idea Protein diet and I have lost 100lbs.  This is great!! I still would like to lose 120 more but right now I am dealing with life.  Eating for me has always been a way to push down my hurt.  Whatever that hurt is/was food would take it away.  Sure it would only take it away for a moment but that moment was bliss and let me live in my pretend world.  As of last year I stepped out of my pretend world and have been living each day as I can.  Some days I crush it.  Other days it crushes me.  The last 6 weeks I have been in a state of constant anxiety.  Sometimes I turned to food other times I was able to use food as just fuel to make it thru.  Right now I need to get back into the use food as fuel mind set as I do not know what the next six weeks will bring.  I have seen the Man that I Love (and who Loves me back) struggle to live, struggle to breath, struggle to keep his sanity and I am in awe.  His strength, his kindness, he general Nate’ness it something I strive for.  He is now breathing on his own and gaining his strength back so one day soon I hope to have him home.

Life it is AMAZING as some people do not get to hope for having their partner home, other have a partner at home and don’t appreciate them, and then others wish for a partner to be living again so they can touch them once more.  I know I am lucky as Nate breaths and as long as he does there is hope and that is all I can ask for. 

Comfortable with the choice I make for me

It has been a little over a month and I’m still wearing jeans but I have not lost a lot of weight (I have not gained either so I’m putting this under the win column).  Some of it is food choices, some of it is body chemistry (getting backed up…) some of it is stress. 

Counseling is helping (a lot) but it is also showing me how much I stuffed down with food.  Now that I am trying not to do that anymore I am left to face what I have run away from for so long.  I know that I can’t share the specifics with anyone (my choice) but learning to face what I don’t want to face is… I’m not sure if I can even find the words to say what it means to be fully truthful, even if it’s just with one person (yourself).  

Letting out what you have held in for so long is very freeing.  It is no longer something I need to hide from myself.  I can acknowledge it and move on. 

I’m going to be 43 this year and maybe should have done this earlier in my life but I can’t roll back the clock.  I can only move forward and be comfortable with the choice I make for me.  This is scary as all my life choices I made where made with others in mind.  Don’t get me wrong I will still put the ones I Love first as I think it’s who some of us are but there are people who I no longer need to make my choices around.  We are all adults and living for me is new and still stumbling thru what works best but I know I am loved and that helps me learn to love me.  

Today I wore jeans to work

Today I wore jeans to work… I wore jeans yesterday as well.  It has been 8 years since I have worn jeans.  I tried a couple of months ago but they were a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable.  Today (and yesterday) I was happy, I had “big girl” pants on and I could breath and sit and not feel like a blob.  I still have 120lbs to lose but today I work jeans to work and it feels great!

Today Starts Today...Again

So the last three months I have really not done well.  As you can see from my last post I tried to recommit at the beginning of the year but did not do very well.  I have been gaining and losing the same 20 lbs.  I have started counseling again as I really cannot tackle my eating issue on my own.  I have been living another person’s life It feels like (depression does that to you) but I am missing out on what I feel is really important in life (being there for the ones I Love).  

I know I can’t make up for years lost but I can try to make the years left a life that makes me happy.  I know the change will not happen overnight but I need to take control of my life and not be so afraid.  I’ve included a little time line picture to show my progress.  

This is what 90 lbs lost with 150 lbs left to lose looks like.

I can only go forward

I have decided to recommit; this last week I have gone off the rails and I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted and how much I wanted without feeling bad about my decision.  I say this but I do/did feel bad but I was drained of energy and my caring for myself level was at an all-time low so I admit I just did not care enough to want to be healthy.

But I am done not caring, I have learned as I always do that I need to care, I cannot not care it’s just not within me to not care. 

Going forward I need to work on caring in productive ways though so I do not get to a low level and just throw my hands up and undo all the hard work I’ve done for the last six months.

Today Starts Today and I can only go forward.  

You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day...

“You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day.  Just relax.  Master the day.  Then just keep doing that every day.”

This is so needed right now.  I am struggling with not over eating.  Each day seems to be harder than the past day and it is exhausting mentally and physically trying to stay on protocol.  I wish there was a switch to turn that part of my brain off.  I know I cannot fight this on my own so today I reached out to make an appointment with my old counselor to see if she is still available to help me. 

I dislike how weak this makes me feel.  How do you explain to people that you can’t just put food out of your mind.  This was (is) my coping mechanism for life’s stresses, for 35 years of my life… yes I started stressing about life when I was 7…maybe even before but I don’t have the best memory when it comes to my childhood.

BUT I can no longer feed the booboo because it hurts me too.  Go for a walk they say, but while I walk my brain obsesses on food.  Take a shower they say, but while I’m in the shower my brain obsesses on food.  They only time I can shut my brain off is watching tv or sleeping.  I try to read by my retention is horrible.  I read a whole chapter and cannot tell you what I just read so it is frustrating and makes me not want to read plus guess what happens when I read… my brain obsesses on food.

How can I get my mind to relax that is the question for the day.  

NSV (Non Scale Victory)

So today I had my first significant NSV (Non Scale Victory) at work. Thursdays are my travel day when I go in and make my appearance at the big show (aka Merrimack).  Very pretty drive, just long, so I’m glad to only have to make it once a week.  But when the weather is nice Julie and I sit outside for our lunch time catch up.  The chairs outside are wrought iron and wide but I always had to squeeze into them and my fat would poke out the sides.  Today I was able to slide into them and no spillage.  It was a very nice feeling as it’s hard to see my progress when I am still so big.  It was great to sit in the sun, enjoy my talk with a Friend and not worry about how I must look like a stuffed sausage in the chair.  Marking a big Woo Hoo in the win column for today!    

Being of Good Health

September was a month of activity, sun, and slower weight loss.  I did lose 18 lbs but struggled to eat all my veggies and had to take a two week sabbatical from salad as I was in lettuce over load.  I am back on track with veggies and salad (but just 4 days a week for salad). 

That being said October will be a changeling month, I have events every Saturday this month which means I will be around good food.  This last Saturday was good, we had a taco bar for our Helið Fægening (Being of Good Health) and I stayed on protocol even though the smells were amazing.

I am still struggling with reminding myself that “Today Starts Today” but also building healthy habits to sustain my weight loss so I do not go back to gaining.  Each day is different and if something doesn’t work I know I have tried and will just need to try something else till I find what works for me.    

The proverbial weight really does lift.

It truly is amazing what happens when you admit that you need help, and then start asking for that help.  The proverbial weight really does lift from your shoulders and you feel lighter.  The help isn’t always from people that you know.  Some of us do not have the support network of Friends and Family who we can ask for help from, but knowing you are worth it and then can admit to yourself you need help is the first step of “Today starts today”.  Tomorrow will come when it does but today what is it that you need help with?

Today starts today

Starting really is the hardest part...  The time leading up to your actual start is filled with doubt, doubt, and more doubt.  As everyone is different each of our “starts” will look different from the others person start.

My start happened a few weeks ago with admitting that I need help and then asking for help.  The help I needed as my start was in the form of a shorter commute.  My manager is an amazing person who was very kind and let me work closer to home 4 days a week.  I used to have a three hour round trip commute three days a week and after two years it showed me that I cannot get healthy with losing three hours a day form a majority of the week.

It was very hard for me to ask for help, I have always had the mindset that if I was strong enough I could do it without having to bother anyone.  One of my big issues is that I always feel like I’m bothering people.  It drives my boyfriend crazy as he’ll try to do something for me and I’ll tell him never mind don’t worry about it.  I think I have control issues and if I keep people from doing things for me than I can control what effort I can give back.  Not that I don’t want to give back.  The opposite if I could give all I would it’s just that I am so down on myself I talk myself out of helping and now that I’m older and have gained all my weight back plus more I just feel awful all the time.  Physically and Mentally.  One of my best friends commented the other day that I was happier when I was thinner and I felt really bad that he could see my pain.  I thought I was good at hiding my bad stuff but as I get older I realize people can see thru the smile; it’s never fake, I love life and all those around me but carrying an extra 200lbs around will take it out of a person.

I hurt all the time and I have been walking with a cane for almost a year, plus I just found out that my boyfriend is more concerned about my health than I realized.  He doesn’t see me as healthy (which in all fairness I’m not) but if he doesn’t feel like he can count on me then I feel really bad that he has to be concerned about what happens if I die.

I won’t go into my whole back story of how I got to here but I’m here and I don’t want to be.  I want to be mobile, I want to be the Lover, the Friend, the Family member that can be counted on and not the person who needs a chair wherever she goes because I can’t stand for more than two minutes.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but it is a little less scary because I’ve started. And stating is the hardest part.