Fearless (not now but maybe someday)

“Sometimes I’m afraid when I you go”…. No actually I’m afraid all the time.  I have been for the last few years as I can no longer keep down what I have been trying to suppress most of my life.  I’m getting to the point of mental exhaustion as my one go to (food) brings more pain than comfort. 

The majority of my life has been spent trying not to make people mad (mother, father, brother, friends, general people around me) but I don’t have the energy anymore to keep down the trauma from my past.  I know how it will hurt everyone but I’m tried, I’m so so tired.  It will not be shared with anyone but my counselor but it needs to be shared.  I need to let it out.   

I want to be fearless again, I want to be free from this hurt, I want to know, to believe that it wasn’t my fault and as a child with no voice lost in a land of anger I want to not be afraid that me just being me won’t make people mad.

I feel stupid and weak saying this as a grown adult in her 40s but if I had had the strength before I would have done this sooner.  I didn’t so I just kept pushing it all down.  Drowning it in food and self-loathing.  It was easier to deny or make excuses.  Now I can’t... There is no place left to hide and I have no energy left to look for another hiding place.

I don’t know what this means going forward?  Medication for anxiety, counseling, forgiveness, a new normal, re learning how to make a safe place for myself.  Again more questions than answers but I will keep asking these questions until I find the answers that make me fearless again.      

I am sorry that I’m not sober right now…

I have no excuses for all these good byes: Call me when it’s over and myself has reappeared: I don’t know why I do it every time, it’s only when I’m lonely:

These are some of the words from Demi Lovato’s song Sober. 

It is very hard to live with addiction (drink, drugs, food, shopping, sex…) but any type of addiction is a symptom of mental health that has gone unchecked.  Gone unchecked for years as you thought you can handle life.  But it turns out what you were handling was surviving, you have only been surviving from day to day, this is not living.  There are moments that you have lived but daily life all you can do is survive to the next day and go from there.   

You can be surrounded by Love and know in your mind you are loved but when you feel at your core that you are not worthy of this Love it messes with your perception of life and how you function.  The worst part is no one can tell you any different.  You are the one who has to come to terms of your own Worthiness. 

You have to as an adult use your heart, your mind, your very soul and make your way thru all the hurt of past wrongs and work at moving forward each day.  For most of us this will be a life’s long journey.  We will wade thru the shit that happened to us and try to move forward.  It hard when you keep pushing down the hurt.  Thinking you can deal with in in your own away but your own way is what is hurting you.  You are using old habits that you maybe grew up with using to not let out what you have kept inside for so long. 

I have no excuses...  I have reason as to why I have done what I have done but I can’t make excuses for my addiction, I’m am fully conscious that I am on the slow moving addition train and some days I’m able to jump off and let it get further away from me where as other days I have no energy so I hop on the car that is closest and just ride for a while.  Waiting for the energy to come back so I can jump off and maybe get a little bit further away.  I don’t have any answers yet.  I do have a little bit of peace because I have been able to be honest and acknowledge that I have more issue that need to be worked on but I am sorry that I’m not sober anymore right now…         

Hope is all I can ask for

So…lets start off by saying that I know life is hard.  It’s hard for different people in different ways.  That being said Life is AMAZING!!! Life is what we are doing right here, right now. 

It is coming up on my year of weight the Idea Protein diet and I have lost 100lbs.  This is great!! I still would like to lose 120 more but right now I am dealing with life.  Eating for me has always been a way to push down my hurt.  Whatever that hurt is/was food would take it away.  Sure it would only take it away for a moment but that moment was bliss and let me live in my pretend world.  As of last year I stepped out of my pretend world and have been living each day as I can.  Some days I crush it.  Other days it crushes me.  The last 6 weeks I have been in a state of constant anxiety.  Sometimes I turned to food other times I was able to use food as just fuel to make it thru.  Right now I need to get back into the use food as fuel mind set as I do not know what the next six weeks will bring.  I have seen the Man that I Love (and who Loves me back) struggle to live, struggle to breath, struggle to keep his sanity and I am in awe.  His strength, his kindness, he general Nate’ness it something I strive for.  He is now breathing on his own and gaining his strength back so one day soon I hope to have him home.

Life it is AMAZING as some people do not get to hope for having their partner home, other have a partner at home and don’t appreciate them, and then others wish for a partner to be living again so they can touch them once more.  I know I am lucky as Nate breaths and as long as he does there is hope and that is all I can ask for. 

Strength in others is amazing to see

I was able to see my Godparents for the first time in over 17 years.  We’ve been on contact thru e-mails, calls, and cards thru the years but it is not the same as putting your arms around someone, hugging them and looking into their eyes to see the love they have for you and hope they see the love you have for them. 

It was a very humbling trip… I knew my Godparents were strong, physically, mentally, spiritually.  But I now have a whole new found Love and Respect to see that strength played out in the darkest of times. 

When life is not what you thought it would be, when you work all your life so you can enjoy your golden years and they end up being something so far from where you wanted to be.

The Love they have for each other is amazing to see.  The Strength each of them gives each other is something that leaves me at a loss for words.

I wish more could be done but letting them know I am here for when they need me is all that can be done.  I will continue my road ahead trying to keep in mind the strength I see in both of them.   

Comfortable with the choice I make for me

It has been a little over a month and I’m still wearing jeans but I have not lost a lot of weight (I have not gained either so I’m putting this under the win column).  Some of it is food choices, some of it is body chemistry (getting backed up…) some of it is stress. 

Counseling is helping (a lot) but it is also showing me how much I stuffed down with food.  Now that I am trying not to do that anymore I am left to face what I have run away from for so long.  I know that I can’t share the specifics with anyone (my choice) but learning to face what I don’t want to face is… I’m not sure if I can even find the words to say what it means to be fully truthful, even if it’s just with one person (yourself).  

Letting out what you have held in for so long is very freeing.  It is no longer something I need to hide from myself.  I can acknowledge it and move on. 

I’m going to be 43 this year and maybe should have done this earlier in my life but I can’t roll back the clock.  I can only move forward and be comfortable with the choice I make for me.  This is scary as all my life choices I made where made with others in mind.  Don’t get me wrong I will still put the ones I Love first as I think it’s who some of us are but there are people who I no longer need to make my choices around.  We are all adults and living for me is new and still stumbling thru what works best but I know I am loved and that helps me learn to love me.  

Today I wore jeans to work

Today I wore jeans to work… I wore jeans yesterday as well.  It has been 8 years since I have worn jeans.  I tried a couple of months ago but they were a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable.  Today (and yesterday) I was happy, I had “big girl” pants on and I could breath and sit and not feel like a blob.  I still have 120lbs to lose but today I work jeans to work and it feels great!

I need to learn how to not let it win…

It’s been about 8 months that I have been on ideal Protein and have lost a total of 99 lbs.  Yesterday was the 3^rd anniversary of my Father’s death and it hit me hard.  I try so hard to let go of him so I don’t feel like I’m keeping him bound to this planes of existence. 

I feel he suffered so much in life that I want his energy to be free.  I want to feel like he is happy but I miss him so much that it hurts my heart, my soul to know that I will never hear his laughter again.  I will never be able to introduce him face to face to the Man that I love. I will never hug him again and I can’t stand the pain of this loss. 

I stuff it down with food to stop the emotional pain, emotional pain is hard for me to handle and the pain of filling myself physically to the point of feeling stuffed quelches this pain… not for very long but it gives me a moment or two of not feeling that deep pain that takes your breath away.

How do you let the pain of loss go without forgetting, without letting it harden you, without letting it consume you?

Food can’t get rid of it.  My drug of choice causes more pain as it lets me know when I think I have a handle on it that I don’t.  Food still is what makes the hurt stop for even a moment or two. 

I’m emotionally drained and feel defeated in this moment because I let food win.  I know I will pick myself up and move forward but it will be with the knowledge that food still can consume me and that is a scary thought.  I need to learn how to not let it win…   

Today Starts Today...Again

So the last three months I have really not done well.  As you can see from my last post I tried to recommit at the beginning of the year but did not do very well.  I have been gaining and losing the same 20 lbs.  I have started counseling again as I really cannot tackle my eating issue on my own.  I have been living another person’s life It feels like (depression does that to you) but I am missing out on what I feel is really important in life (being there for the ones I Love).  

I know I can’t make up for years lost but I can try to make the years left a life that makes me happy.  I know the change will not happen overnight but I need to take control of my life and not be so afraid.  I’ve included a little time line picture to show my progress.  

This is what 90 lbs lost with 150 lbs left to lose looks like.

I can only go forward

I have decided to recommit; this last week I have gone off the rails and I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted and how much I wanted without feeling bad about my decision.  I say this but I do/did feel bad but I was drained of energy and my caring for myself level was at an all-time low so I admit I just did not care enough to want to be healthy.

But I am done not caring, I have learned as I always do that I need to care, I cannot not care it’s just not within me to not care. 

Going forward I need to work on caring in productive ways though so I do not get to a low level and just throw my hands up and undo all the hard work I’ve done for the last six months.

Today Starts Today and I can only go forward.  

Talking To Wolves

So the last couple of months have been challenging.  Just when I think I have this down I fall off, then back on, then back off.  I am hopeful as today I am 90lbs gone in 5 ½ months.  I would like to make my 6^th month weigh in be 100lbs gone but that’s only two weeks away and Yule/Christmas still have to be navigated.  The good thing is I have a lot of support, the bad thing is I don’t want to let everyone down and that adds stress which makes me want to eat… Ugh…. Right now just Ugh.  I know I got this but still the fact that it is an everyday struggle sometimes makes it hard to sleep and getting my mind to shut off is all I want for the Holidays. Today Starts Today and all I can do is remind myself to try and suck a little less then I did the day before.

You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day...

“You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day.  Just relax.  Master the day.  Then just keep doing that every day.”

This is so needed right now.  I am struggling with not over eating.  Each day seems to be harder than the past day and it is exhausting mentally and physically trying to stay on protocol.  I wish there was a switch to turn that part of my brain off.  I know I cannot fight this on my own so today I reached out to make an appointment with my old counselor to see if she is still available to help me. 

I dislike how weak this makes me feel.  How do you explain to people that you can’t just put food out of your mind.  This was (is) my coping mechanism for life’s stresses, for 35 years of my life… yes I started stressing about life when I was 7…maybe even before but I don’t have the best memory when it comes to my childhood.

BUT I can no longer feed the booboo because it hurts me too.  Go for a walk they say, but while I walk my brain obsesses on food.  Take a shower they say, but while I’m in the shower my brain obsesses on food.  They only time I can shut my brain off is watching tv or sleeping.  I try to read by my retention is horrible.  I read a whole chapter and cannot tell you what I just read so it is frustrating and makes me not want to read plus guess what happens when I read… my brain obsesses on food.

How can I get my mind to relax that is the question for the day.  

NSV (Non Scale Victory)

So today I had my first significant NSV (Non Scale Victory) at work. Thursdays are my travel day when I go in and make my appearance at the big show (aka Merrimack).  Very pretty drive, just long, so I’m glad to only have to make it once a week.  But when the weather is nice Julie and I sit outside for our lunch time catch up.  The chairs outside are wrought iron and wide but I always had to squeeze into them and my fat would poke out the sides.  Today I was able to slide into them and no spillage.  It was a very nice feeling as it’s hard to see my progress when I am still so big.  It was great to sit in the sun, enjoy my talk with a Friend and not worry about how I must look like a stuffed sausage in the chair.  Marking a big Woo Hoo in the win column for today!    

Being of Good Health

September was a month of activity, sun, and slower weight loss.  I did lose 18 lbs but struggled to eat all my veggies and had to take a two week sabbatical from salad as I was in lettuce over load.  I am back on track with veggies and salad (but just 4 days a week for salad). 

That being said October will be a changeling month, I have events every Saturday this month which means I will be around good food.  This last Saturday was good, we had a taco bar for our Helið Fægening (Being of Good Health) and I stayed on protocol even though the smells were amazing.

I am still struggling with reminding myself that “Today Starts Today” but also building healthy habits to sustain my weight loss so I do not go back to gaining.  Each day is different and if something doesn’t work I know I have tried and will just need to try something else till I find what works for me.    

Turn to Love

They say love is pain... they say love is kind.... they say love can save you... But Love can only do what you allow it to do. If you let love in it will save you. If you lock it out because of the pain it causes then it will always cause you pain. When you let love be love then the kindness that is always needed follows. 
I have no proof that these statements are true but I  know when I am feeling lost it is because I am keeping love out.
I look back and I see the wrong turns I have made in life were because I was trying to keep the pain of love away. The right turns I made in life were always in loves direction.

Sharing is Caring

Wednesday was two months to the day that I started my IP (Ideal Protein) journey.  It has been a fast two months and I am down 48.6 LBs and 26 ½ inches over all.  Ketosis is amazing as I have not exercised at all.  I will have to start though as I need to take this time to build healthy habits so when I move back to “regular” food I do not gain the weight back.

I won’t say that this is easy by any stretch but it really works for me as I’m able to keep to protocol (except for when I’m not) but I know when I don’t stick to protocol that I don’t loose and I need to keep that in mind.

I also need to make sure that I am using my time wisely and working on myself.  The weight is a symptom of a larger issue and that issue will not go away with the weight.  If only there is a brain ketosis…

Right now I am working on systems that will help me achieve goals.  I’ll go in to that in a later post but right now just wanted to share my progress. 

I tripped, I fell, I laid on the ground

I tripped, I fell, I laid on the ground looking at the sky and now I’m back up again.  After a 5 day “bender” I am back on the IP wagon.  I learned (what I’ve always know) is I am an addict;  My addiction  hurts no one but myself as it’s not drugs or alcohol but food that I am addicted to.  I thought I could “cheat” here and there but it turned in to almost a full blown “eat all the things” scenario.

I would like to say my lesson is learned but I’m not super confident in myself to say that I have.  I know that I will try to stick to protocol but being around food is hard sometimes.  I’ve asked by boyfriend to hide his sweets but I still know they are there.  My mind fixates and the amount of energy to not think about food is what drains me.  I am reminding myself Today starts Today but each day I need to keep in mind what I am and how can I change my mind set. I don’t know what the answer is…yet but I am back on my way of finding out. 

Change is here and I am ready

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers sang that “The waiting is the hardest part” but it’s not the waiting it’s the change.  We all have different factors in our lives that motivate us to change.  Some have life events that thrust them into that change.  Others have the will to and foresight to see that they need to change to be who they want to be and then there are people like me.  I see the change that is needed but there has always been this wall that no matter what I tried I could not get over or break thru. 

That has changed in the last few weeks, I have admitted I needed help and have gone after that help.  This is the change that was so hard for me for so long.  I wanted to be strong enough to do this on my own but really I was just hurting myself and not realizing why. 

Change is here and I am ready and doing the work but it is still hard and that is why Today starts today because the change comes from within.

You can do anything, but not everything

“You can do anything, but not everything.”

~ David Allen

This quote was at the bottom of one of the daily IP videos and it really struck home.  Today starts today and I can only get done what I can do.  I know I need to push myself more than I have been but I have to remember that I can’t do everything (which is what my mind wants me to do).

This past weekend was my Birthday and I did not have any cake or sweets but what I did have was new hope.  I received a very cute shirt from two of my very Best Friends and although it was still a 6x it was lose and showed me that 1. I still have a long way to go, but 2. I can do it.  Slow but sure I will be who I know I can be!!  

I still feel uncomfortable of Love

We do things for ourselves but part of that is wanting to make sure those we love are proud of us.  We want to be the people we think they deserve to have in their lives.  Because of my weight I have never felt like I am deserving of love.  I know my parents, godparents, and uncle love me unconditionally but they are such amazing people that I never felt deserving of their love.  I have tried and failed so many times to be who I know they want me to be but I fail because I never did it for me.

I still feel uncomfortable of Love; my boyfriend is amazing but doesn’t see it.  When I tell him this he rolls his eyes and thinks I’m just being nice.  I know some of this is because if his own self esteem issues but some of it I can’t help think is because it’s coming from me.  If this was coming from someone more successful or pretty or smarter he would believe and know how amazing he is!! 

The same thing with my mother; I tried for so long to help her with her mental health issues that it drained every last drop of energy that I had.  I finally was so drained that I knew I had to step away or I would no longer exist.  Again if I was a better person I would have been able to help; my opinion, my words would have meant something to her to take to heart and get the help see needs but this never happened. 

I know in my mind both of these instances are not about me but the people themselves and them needing to know they are loved and feel worthy but I still feel in my heart that if I wasn’t me then people in my life would take what I say to heart more than a simple eye roll.

“Today starts today” is what I am doing for myself to make sure I am a better person and intern know that I am worthy of the love that has been given to me.  I am hoping this will also help with peoples who love me to see me as someone they can count on and rely on for support as they have supported me.  

Lightness has a call that's hard to hear

Lying in bed last night the lights off the ceiling fan going and the vertical blinds rippling in waves from the fan my mind went to the line from the Indigo Girls song Closer to Find “Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. 

Why is it so easy to go to the dark place first?  Because it’s EASY.  Easy is warm, Easy is safe, Easy is nice and in a world of mean we need that nice even if that nice is a false hood. 

Each day is a struggle for most of us who understand that “darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. We struggle with the hope we feel but the despair we see. 

I had a point when I started this post but now I’m lost in the music so I hope you are able to get lost in the music as well and can hear the light louder and louder the more you get lost.