“Patience”

The Book of Qualities (by J. Ruth Gendler) was given to me by my Uncle for Christmas (I think 1990 but it might have been 1991).  I instantly loved this book as it wrote the Qualities out in feelings and showed a special connection between the Qualities.  I still have it and re-read it at least once a year.

Above is my most favorite of all the Qualities and I wanted to post this as a reminder to myself that “Patience” really is one of the most beautiful Qualities we have but we need to remember that beauty needs to be saved for ourselves too… i.e. the “Patience” we show others we also have to have that same “Patience” for ourselves to see the beauty in all that is around.

Open letter to my Godmother with all that has happened this last couple of years...

I have been trying to write this for a while and I keep stalling… I’m not really sure why.  I Love my Godmother so very much (my Godfather too).  They have helped me in more ways than I can say and I look up to them with the same love and admiration that I do my parents.

I guess I just feel like I have let everyone in my life down with who I am.  I had lost 120lbs in two years and within a year I put it back on plus 30lbs.

Everyone does so much for me and I really don’t feel that anything I do is worthy of their praise.  I feel that if I start writing about my year she will see I’m not doing anything with my life other than talking and to put that on paper is hard for me to swallow let alone prove to the people I love that I really am a loser. 

I know this may seem harsh and that I’m being a Debbie downer or that I’m a complainer but that’s part of the issue… I’m not.  I’m Beth the happy go lucky everything will work out if we just all believe and try Watson.  Yes I know its long middle name so my parents just shorted it to Marie…lol

But all joking aside I understand I am a good friend and am there for people when they need the emotional support but I don’t feel that I really contribute to my family other than just being the idiot of the pact… and by idiot I mean simple not much going on.

Looking back I really do love my life, I enjoy who I am and the people around me but I don’t’ have much to show for it as far as “things”.  Now not that I think success should be measured in “things” or my family even judges me like that but I don’t know I still feel bad that I never got a degree and I don’t have a career. 

I’ve been talking about going back to school for the last 6 or 7 years but have done nothing to actually start school back up.  I’m not upset about that I know when the time is right I’ll make it happen but I guess I still feel bad that I move at a slower pace than everyone else…

Sooooooo here it goes… Below is the e-mail I sent and I guess wasn’t as bad as I thought and maybe a good thing to write it all out so I can take a look and see where I want to go from here…

Hello my Dear Sweet Wonderful Godmother! :o)

This is long overdue and my deepest apologies for not having done this sooner.  I would like to thank you first for all that you do and the support you guys have given me my whole life (not just this past year). 

The last couple of years have been a bit of a ride for me and with Yours and Tyler’s help I am getting back on track (albeit slowly I’m still getting there). 

I am back on my meds as of February 2011 and now feel that they are working like they had before.  From April to August I was having a bit of an issue as I was having a lot more anxiety with them but some tweaking of the dosage it has calmed down a lot and I’m back to “normal”… 

For those months though I would find myself having mini panic attacks when I would have to drive (either home from work or to someplace like the store or to go visit friends).

I was also kind of going thru things with John and how our relationship was and I just wanted to hide.  He seemed supportive but didn’t really understand and well there was just really no chemistry between us.  Our relationship had turned into more of a “mothering” roll on my part.  I was trying to change the dynamic back but I found out he was messaging other woman so I ended it and have felt a lot better about myself.

It was the quiet sabotage he was doing that I didn’t’ notice.  But lesson learned and going forward I know I need to listen to my gut and try not to make everything better.  I count myself lucky because it was an easy break up and I haven’t heard from him since so I didn’t have to deal with “ex” drama (Yah for me!!)…lol)

From August to now I have been also seeing a counselor on top of the Psychiatrist as I needed more than just RX refills.  Gaining the weight back in such a short time made me realize that I need someone to talk to about it as the medication was only an aspect (big aspect) but still there are other things to my weight gain. 

I haven’t gotten back in to an exercise and diet routine as of yet.  A couple of false starts but I have faith in myself that I will get there so not too worried.  I just know that it needs to take time and more than the actual weight loss I miss the energy I once had so I’m consecrating on that as a motivation.  We’ll see; all I can do is try that can happen is it doesn’t work and I try something else.  :o)

I’m working on clearing out the clutter in my life (emotional and physical).  I’m planning on moving in February to a place closer to work and friends so I can be more social and save some money. 

One big lesson I learned with John is that I will not move for someone to make their life easier but because I want to be there and it will benefit us both.  He didn’t make me move by any means I mean I needed to move out of Liz’s and be on my own again but I moved with thinking that if I was closer to him then we would be closer emotionally as we could see each other more.  Yep didn’t’ really work out that way so lesson learned.  I’ll be more careful next time. 

Luckily I don’t “have to” move so I can take my time and find someplace closer to friends and work that I will enjoy living for a while.

Sprinkled in between all that there have been good times getting to know Dolli (Bill’s and Mom’s cousin) who contacted Bill thru facebook a couple of years ago and I have been getting to know her family which has been really nice.

I wish I could express how much I love you but my words seem hallow but please know and trust I think of you all the time and just love you so much I can’t wait to be able to see you again and give you a big ole hug!! :o)

I have never forgotten about Paris as I really would love to go.  I’m sorry that I keep having to put it off but know that it is not you it is as they say my life getting in the way of living but I have total faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen and it will be soon! :o)

Big Big Big Hugs!!!!

Please let me know how you are doing and what is going on in your life.

I Love you very much!!

Beth (aka Elizabeth :o)

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY

Remember that if the opportunities for great deeds should never come, the opportunities for good deeds are renewed day by day. The thing for us to long for is the goodness, not the glory.

-- F.W. Faber

This is one of my most favorite sayings.  I have it printed out and hanging up at my desk (see picture below... and yes that is a cow with string cheese pom-poms right below it) but I think this is such a wonderful quote because it reminds us that each day is new and allows the opportunity to be the person who we want to be.

I MAY NOT HAVE GONE WHERE I INTENDED TO GO, BUT I THINK I HAVE ENDED UP WHERE I NEEDED TO BE

The randomness of life and all its vastness will truly always amaze me to no end.  I think the day that it stops will be the day that I have died.

We start out on our journey with a clear vision in mind and then as we move forward that perception changes because of experiences.  We look back periodically and see where we have been, where we are heading, and if we need to change course.  Sometimes though life bring us to a place we have never imagined but will always be eternally grateful for having been brought there.

Right here… Right now… is never where I thought I would be but there is no other place I would rather be.  The Friends I have made along the way and still make is one of the things we cannot plan but is so special not words can even describe how neat it is.  We have to enjoy the people who cross our path for who they are, what they teach us, what they share of themselves with us and know we are richer for having known them.

Each person is a star in our life who we can cherish in a way no other person may understand but to us that sparkling light is what makes our smile wider, our laugh a little bit deeper, and our heart a gazillion times bigger.

Looking at the simple drawing and reading the words of Douglas Adams I can only be humbled by all that is around me and how even for a big girl I can still feel small in a way that makes me feel safe and warm even if I were in an arctic tundra being charged by a polar bear. 

Remember To Breathe

This is one of those songs (for me at least) that is just wonderful done.  The Rhythm, the Rhyme, and the Harmony can bring you to a place where sometimes you need to be.

Whatever is going on in your life you need something or sometimes it is someone who can bring you back to zero.  Give you that moment where you truly “Remember To Breathe”.

There are many things in my life (Friends included) that help me but today my “Remember To Breathe” moment is with this song.

The rhythmic guitar cords, the haunting violin melody mixed with the whispers of voices telling me to “Remember to Breathe” by painting a wonderful picture that it will be O.K.

The powerful way the words are just belted out and come to the crescendo that it will be alright always gives me goose bumps.

For a mind that is contently going this song helps me just relax and listen to not only the words, the music, but to my heart, mind, and soul as well.

I Love when life reminds me with a song that I have the answers within me I just need to “Remember to Breath”

Dashboard Confessional – Remember To Breathe

Throughout my whole life I have always been afraid of losing the people I love...

You know when you run across something that speaks to you it has a way of making you reexamine your current situation and look back at your past to see what you can do differently now?

Well the saying above has done that.   My for most of my life I have always been afraid of losing the people that I love and for me that is most everyone I meet.  I try to act how I think they want me act in order not to make them angry and then leave.  Anger is one emotion I still have a problem with as I just shut down and can’t respond or my response it to try to make everything OK so the person is no longer angry (even if the anger is not directed at me).  

But over the last few years I have had this sadness that because I have lived my life this way then I don’t know who the real me is.  If I don’t know who the real me is then there is no one out there that does either and how would anyone be afraid of losing me when there is no me to lose?

How do you go about finding yourself when you are not sure what it is about you that you lost when you don’t know what “you” is or even means.

How to Love Again

How to Love Again?  It is a simple question but the answer will be different for all of us.  Can you truly love again if you have been so devastatingly hurt?  The love you once knew and cherished is no longer.  The person who you have held (and still hold) in your heart of hearts does not return your love.  How do you move on?  Can you truly rationalize what has happened and not let it affect you?

The reason I ask is because I have no idea… I have a friend (no really it’s not me) who is going thru this right now and I have no idea how to help.  I know by just listening I’m being a good friend because we all need a sounding board but it also gets me thinking.

I see how much love he has/had for this person and I truly feel his pain that it is no longer what he wants or needs it to be for him to be happy but that leaves the question of “How to Love Again”?

I kind of noticed this back when I was dating that (at least the men I ran across) were not over their last relationship yet they were out dating because of either loneliness or feeling like this is what they had to do.

I can understand that I mean no one wants to be alone.  We need that physical touch and emotional support and to feel like we can return that same in kind but “How to Love Again”?   

If you are not ready how do you let others know that you just need sometime.  And when does the line get crossed of taking too much time and hiding your heart away to never get hurt again?

I have a hard time answering this because of how I am.  I feel love for everyone I meet and as I get to know them better that love grows.  Now it grows differently for each person of course but it is still love so for me to have to try to put myself in someone else shoes of questioning whether you can love again I’m at a loss.  How to Love Again for me is as easy as breathing.  Yes I have learned lessons that I do not give my heart away as easily as I once did but love, oh sweet sweet love, the how, the why, the who will always reveal itself in time. 

Maybe “How to Love Again” is as simple as being able to keep an open mind and not forcing the square peg thru a round hole if you will… 

Hmmmmm? How to Love Again?