There is Beauty in Simplicity

**There is Beauty in Simplicity**

In a world that can be filled with horrible actions by insane selfish people who they themselves cannot understand that **Beauty in Simplicity** is simply no matter the situation the human spirit will survive and show its simple beauty in the quiet ways that may not be reported by the media or tweeted about or even posted about on facebook but shone in the silent prayers that are said in our hearts for all that are hurting... Yes my Friends *"There is Beauty in Simplicity"* and my silent prayers today are for all those who have been affected by the tragic events in Aurora Colorado... 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ...

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back... And given half the chance would I take any of it back...

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back...  And given half the chance would I take any of it back...

These are the words that keep running thru my head.  The darkest hour before the light comes over you and shows that the dance you just finished was needed to restart... Restart with a new sense of who you are... what you will do differently (given half the chance) .  If we take back any part of the dance we would not be who we are.  
I don't know maybe it's just her voice that cuts thru me and makes the lyrics more poignant than they should be but doesn't change the fact that we always question what we have done... This is good to question, but to regret then I think it means we haven't learned from our mistake and there for cannot shake that devil off our back.

Listen to her voice... Read the words... Let the music move your soul and capture the raw emotion that is needed to let it happen...

   Shake it Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

OH TO BE A CAT...

Sometimes I wish I could get my mind to stop... It goes a million miles a second some days and yet getS nowhere...

To be able to find peace in my mind is one of those things I'm sure we all long for but today... well today I want to be Frank!

March Afternoon at the Ocean to get me back to Me...

With all that goes on in this world, in my life, in my head the ocean can bring me back to my center.   

The sound of waves crashing into the shore.  

The smell of the clean salt air.   

The sun warming you while the cool wind colors your cheeks with the perfect shade of wind burn red giving you that rosy glow. 

The end and the beginning being in the same place at the same time… Earth and Sky and Water and Fire (Sun) is really the only thing that can bring me back to me.    

I thank God for the wonders that are always all around us but the Sea Shore is really one of those things in this world that maybe over looked or never even experienced by some but for me would be sorely missed if it was not just a short drive away.

Ahhhhh able to breathe in the good once again.  

Thank you Hampton for being you and there for me when I need the therapy only you are able to provide. :o)   

May You...

May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

The above Quote was sent to me by a Friend and reading thru this I know and have learned through life's lessons how true these words are so I wanted to share :o)

Don’t catch me now… I just want to keep on falling somehow...

Don't Catch Me - Kadie Hodges

This song brought loves sweet tears to my eyes.  I love Love so much and this is one of those songs that explains so well as to what love is for me.

I see a lot of people who have an “idea” of what love should be… Maybe because of experience while growing up or different experiences they have run across in their lives.  Some get lost in Hollywood’s version of what love should be like. 

Me… I just keep on falling… I love with all of me… In Family, in Friends, in Lovers, I love with all of me.  I don’t have an idea of what love is or should be like I just feel it and let it into me and try to make that love that I feel for the person shine out to them.  This scares some people (mostly potential lovers) but some Friends have been taken aback by this also.  

Now I understand no one likes to get hurt… Trust me I know this but I love the way this song speaks to the walls people put up so as not to get hurt.  The chorus below is what struck me most.  

“So don’t catch me now… I just want to keep on falling somehow…

So don’t stop me now I just want to keep this going somehow…. Keep on falling”

People who feel that love, sometimes don’t know how to handle it so they stop it… Stop the person who is falling from falling.  They are worried about getting hurt and in that worry although not intentional  they are the one doing the hurting as they are stopping what they / we /all deserved from coming… From falling into them.  

Love doesn’t go away it is always there you just have to let the person with that love fall.  You don’t need to catch them you just need to allow them to be who they are and who they are is someone that loves you for who you are even if you don’t know who you are.

Think about the past relationships you’ve had that didn’t work… Now I am not so naive as to not understand all too well that many many factors play into this so I don’t want to trivialize past hurts by any means.  What I want to do is point out what this song sings to me is that if both people didn’t stop each other from falling then that initial love that was (for some still is) there will keep on falling…

That sensation that washes over you that all is possible, the feeling of your soul smiling because you feel so much love with each step it feels like you are floating and then when you close your eyes and feel the intensity it truly does feel like you are falling.

 

THE BRICK

This was sent to me by my Mother and knew I needed share this.  We all know it deep down what we need and should do but sometimes it helps to be reminded of it...

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar... He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!  He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to
the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop....' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help
me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat... He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh
scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too
shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home..

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 

'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'  

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts; Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.



Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator; your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...  If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

PLEASE READ THIS!!!

TheBloggess is one of my favorite blogs to read... She is funny, random, serious, loving, and can fit naughty words in where you didn't think they could go but fit perfectly.

The link is for her post she wrote yesterday and brought tears to my eyes.  Not just because she is going thru this pain but the fact that she knows it makes her stronger and she is able to share that strength with others.  Her post is really something that applies to ALL of us either personally because we battle this everyday even if our smile is wide and our laugh is true or because someone we love goes thru a pain that we will never be able to understand but know we want to be there for them. ♥

Please read this and take from it what you will...The fight goes on

I Choose...

The picture says it all... I choose and that gives me the strength I need to know I am living as I should be living by just being me.

Happy New Year's Eve...

So today is New Years Eve and the marking of another year gone by.  Looking back a lot has happened this year for me.  Some good, some bad, but all very much needed to get me to where I am... Right here, Right now is a place that I am enjoying very much.  I have a few plans for 2012 and know that I will need to make them happen with the steadfastness I have in me. 

I am praying for all the ones I love that they have a Very Happy and Healthy New Year and know how much they are wanted and appreciated in my life! :o)

PERIPHERAL VISION

Early morning coffee with a Friend today the subject of Peripheral Vision came up.  I was saying the reason I don’t care for glasses are because I am not able to use my peripheral vision and he countered with most people don’t use theirs.

I gave him the “Awe sweetie you don’t know me very well do you?” look and told him that I definitively use my peripheral vision and have all my life (fined tuned it thru the years). 

As he really doesn’t know me very well he (understandably) doubted me maybe just thinking I was being funny or trying to impress him.

Having given me a little test he was surprised when I was able to see him (holding up two fingers) too what he thought would be just outside my peripheral vision without moving my head.  I was able to see one finger then could tell, by how he was holding his hand (thumb holding down two fingers) that there was only one other finger next to the one I could see.

Again surprised by my super awesome abilities (paraphrasing of course…lol) that I was able to see I told him (maybe have been a bad thing saying anything) but told him as a fat girl I learned not to move my head when I heard people making rude noises directed towards me (Mooooo) or just blatantly making fun of me.  I learned to see who it was without moving my head or body so I knew who to avoid.

Saying this out loud I thought made me sound a little bit “sad” in so far as I’m a 36 year old woman who still has people making cow sounds around her and that these sounds still get to me.

Yes I should have a tougher skin and not care as these people are just being jerks and if they bothered to get to know me they of course would love me ;o) but then listening to how he stood up for himself, his family and others who were being picked on around him made me think of why I don’t have a tougher skin.

I’m “emotional” for lack of a better word and “feel” in me others disappointment they have for who I am.  Growing up I had awesome parents and family that of course would support me and made me feel loved but I never had that someone stand up for me (fight my fight if you will). 

I (like I am sure countless others) have had to and still do find ways to avoid confrontation… i.e. we don’t talk back or physically hit the person or people who are making fun of us or causing (whether they know it or not) emotional damage.  Always being aware and having to protect yourself is exhausting and really can wear a person down over time. 

Now this may seem like I am saying “Awe poor me, I’ve had such a tuff life because people make fun of me” but please don’t read it as such. 

What I am trying to convey is and what this whole conversation made me realize is 1. I still need to suck it up and not be so emotional… but 2. I maybe as an Adult don’t need to keep thinking of how I need to protect myself but open myself up more… Move my head around, flash my pearly whites, smile at those who are being jerk faces…  Show them (and myself) that using the old coping (knee jerk) mechanisms needs to stop and I need to get out of my own “Peripheral Vision” and know that the world is not as scary as I sometimes feel it is…

Randomness Thy name is Beth…

Ok so I’ll be moving in a couple of months (closer to Friends and work but still NH) and I’ve been going thru something’s.  I found old mixed CD’s… Yes I still do mix CD’s as I am not cool enough to have an IPod that will play in my car :op

Anyways I thought I would share the last six songs on the CD I was listening to on my way to work today.  I love the randomness that sometimes just fits me so well it’s no scary per-say more of a “God I love the way the Universe works” type of deal… So from Country, to Hip-Hop, to Soft Rock, to Dance, to Folk (oh yeah I run the gambit baby) the order of the songs below I realize that the randomness is how my heart and soul talks to me thru music (even if I don’t know what I’m saying at the time).

Alabama - I'm In A Hurry - is me telling me to slow down and giving me permission to enjoy the daily routine and see what happiness is there but that I don’t see sometimes because I am rushing around. 

Fort Minor - Remember the Name - is giving me a kick in the tuches and reminding me that I… Me… is the one who needs to work for the changes I want to have happen. 

Don Henley – End of the Innocence - is a way of saying that “yes” life is not always the sunshine and rainbows I wish it to be and once the luster of someone or something is gone doesn’t mean that it is ruined for ever just means that I need to find the beauty in what is really truly there.  

Rascal Flatts – Broken Road – is… well this song just makes my heart melt and know that there is true love out there and when the time is right we’ll meet and I’ll know that there was no other path I could have taken to where I need to be… Right here… Right now.

Fragma - Toca's Miracle - is a song that reminds me of my early twenties but listening to the words the miracle that I need is the miracle that is the love I have for myself that will be mirrored but the Man who truly loves me and I in turn feel for him.  It’s not the physical “parting of the red seas” miracle I need but the emotional connection that I have always know I want from others. 

Jonathan Edwards - Sunshine – is, well I know this song is about drugs but for me it is more of a reminder that sometimes I need to lock myself away and just recharge.  Sunshine I love you but the darkness is needed (every now and again) to remind me how bright the Sun truly is…

Music can move us in ways we never thought possible and give us the freedom to express our hearts desires even if it is done on a subconscious level… Our heart and soul dances to the music and moves us where and how we should move to make our lives richer.

Open letter to my Godmother with all that has happened this last couple of years...

I have been trying to write this for a while and I keep stalling… I’m not really sure why.  I Love my Godmother so very much (my Godfather too).  They have helped me in more ways than I can say and I look up to them with the same love and admiration that I do my parents.

I guess I just feel like I have let everyone in my life down with who I am.  I had lost 120lbs in two years and within a year I put it back on plus 30lbs.

Everyone does so much for me and I really don’t feel that anything I do is worthy of their praise.  I feel that if I start writing about my year she will see I’m not doing anything with my life other than talking and to put that on paper is hard for me to swallow let alone prove to the people I love that I really am a loser. 

I know this may seem harsh and that I’m being a Debbie downer or that I’m a complainer but that’s part of the issue… I’m not.  I’m Beth the happy go lucky everything will work out if we just all believe and try Watson.  Yes I know its long middle name so my parents just shorted it to Marie…lol

But all joking aside I understand I am a good friend and am there for people when they need the emotional support but I don’t feel that I really contribute to my family other than just being the idiot of the pact… and by idiot I mean simple not much going on.

Looking back I really do love my life, I enjoy who I am and the people around me but I don’t’ have much to show for it as far as “things”.  Now not that I think success should be measured in “things” or my family even judges me like that but I don’t know I still feel bad that I never got a degree and I don’t have a career. 

I’ve been talking about going back to school for the last 6 or 7 years but have done nothing to actually start school back up.  I’m not upset about that I know when the time is right I’ll make it happen but I guess I still feel bad that I move at a slower pace than everyone else…

Sooooooo here it goes… Below is the e-mail I sent and I guess wasn’t as bad as I thought and maybe a good thing to write it all out so I can take a look and see where I want to go from here…

Hello my Dear Sweet Wonderful Godmother! :o)

This is long overdue and my deepest apologies for not having done this sooner.  I would like to thank you first for all that you do and the support you guys have given me my whole life (not just this past year). 

The last couple of years have been a bit of a ride for me and with Yours and Tyler’s help I am getting back on track (albeit slowly I’m still getting there). 

I am back on my meds as of February 2011 and now feel that they are working like they had before.  From April to August I was having a bit of an issue as I was having a lot more anxiety with them but some tweaking of the dosage it has calmed down a lot and I’m back to “normal”… 

For those months though I would find myself having mini panic attacks when I would have to drive (either home from work or to someplace like the store or to go visit friends).

I was also kind of going thru things with John and how our relationship was and I just wanted to hide.  He seemed supportive but didn’t really understand and well there was just really no chemistry between us.  Our relationship had turned into more of a “mothering” roll on my part.  I was trying to change the dynamic back but I found out he was messaging other woman so I ended it and have felt a lot better about myself.

It was the quiet sabotage he was doing that I didn’t’ notice.  But lesson learned and going forward I know I need to listen to my gut and try not to make everything better.  I count myself lucky because it was an easy break up and I haven’t heard from him since so I didn’t have to deal with “ex” drama (Yah for me!!)…lol)

From August to now I have been also seeing a counselor on top of the Psychiatrist as I needed more than just RX refills.  Gaining the weight back in such a short time made me realize that I need someone to talk to about it as the medication was only an aspect (big aspect) but still there are other things to my weight gain. 

I haven’t gotten back in to an exercise and diet routine as of yet.  A couple of false starts but I have faith in myself that I will get there so not too worried.  I just know that it needs to take time and more than the actual weight loss I miss the energy I once had so I’m consecrating on that as a motivation.  We’ll see; all I can do is try that can happen is it doesn’t work and I try something else.  :o)

I’m working on clearing out the clutter in my life (emotional and physical).  I’m planning on moving in February to a place closer to work and friends so I can be more social and save some money. 

One big lesson I learned with John is that I will not move for someone to make their life easier but because I want to be there and it will benefit us both.  He didn’t make me move by any means I mean I needed to move out of Liz’s and be on my own again but I moved with thinking that if I was closer to him then we would be closer emotionally as we could see each other more.  Yep didn’t’ really work out that way so lesson learned.  I’ll be more careful next time. 

Luckily I don’t “have to” move so I can take my time and find someplace closer to friends and work that I will enjoy living for a while.

Sprinkled in between all that there have been good times getting to know Dolli (Bill’s and Mom’s cousin) who contacted Bill thru facebook a couple of years ago and I have been getting to know her family which has been really nice.

I wish I could express how much I love you but my words seem hallow but please know and trust I think of you all the time and just love you so much I can’t wait to be able to see you again and give you a big ole hug!! :o)

I have never forgotten about Paris as I really would love to go.  I’m sorry that I keep having to put it off but know that it is not you it is as they say my life getting in the way of living but I have total faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen and it will be soon! :o)

Big Big Big Hugs!!!!

Please let me know how you are doing and what is going on in your life.

I Love you very much!!

Beth (aka Elizabeth :o)