So I Am Truly Vanilla and I’m Still OK With Me!

Logging on to the inter-webs I saw an article titled What Your Favorite Ice Cream Says About You;

OK I’ll bite…I want to see what it has to say about those of us who don’t feel like we are plain but always get made fun of for picking Vanilla (French Vanilla is my Favorite).  

So here is the scoop… Yes pun is intended (pausing for laughter here….LOL)

OK so what it has to say about Vanilla is something I’ve suspected but could never really literate as it’s more a feeling so if you’ve never felt it then no amount of words will be able to express that which is Vanilla.  Below hits a couple of key points so you kind of get an idea but next time someone picks Vanilla for a flavor don’t think it’s because they are plain… No no my Friends but the complete and total opposite!!

Vanilla
There is nothing plain about Vanilla. In fact, if you love Vanilla, you are actually a colorful, dramatic risk taker who relies more on intuition than logic. Emotionally expressive and idealistic, you tend to set high goals for yourself, and push yourself to meet and exceed them. On the romantic front, you tend to rely on secure romantic relationships that fulfill your emotional needs while working toward future objectives.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back... And given half the chance would I take any of it back...

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back...  And given half the chance would I take any of it back...

These are the words that keep running thru my head.  The darkest hour before the light comes over you and shows that the dance you just finished was needed to restart... Restart with a new sense of who you are... what you will do differently (given half the chance) .  If we take back any part of the dance we would not be who we are.  
I don't know maybe it's just her voice that cuts thru me and makes the lyrics more poignant than they should be but doesn't change the fact that we always question what we have done... This is good to question, but to regret then I think it means we haven't learned from our mistake and there for cannot shake that devil off our back.

Listen to her voice... Read the words... Let the music move your soul and capture the raw emotion that is needed to let it happen...

   Shake it Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Drake - Take Care ft. Rihanna (Official Video)

I saw this video last night (yes I was watching the Pauly D show... don't judge...lol) but this video came on after and I was absolutely totally blown away!!!

One by the fact that MTV actually showed a video... :op

But... I don't know; the words, the images... all of it really just made me take an extra deep breath and gave me goose bumps. 

This is one of those songs that the words express the beauty that is part of life (love lost, love won and the hurt that involves) but the images in the video I think is a wonderful example of how (when we open ourselves up) we are able to express a feeling that we all have felt (maybe still feeling) in a way that makes me know there is a higher power as the intense beauty of it all coming together can run thru you and make you smile and cry at the same time...

CRULLER CRULLER CRULLER!!

O.K. so I know I'm changing my way of eating and trying to be more healthy but I'm also human and live in the land that Dunkin's didn't forget...lol

(I.E. on my way to work I pass 7 Dinkins in a 10 mile stretch of road)

Anyways I stop today for a little Friday morning sugar rush cause I love SUGAR!!! Oh sorry I mean because I can :p

But... stopping I have to say did make me a little sad (on the inside) just because I had to order a glazed "Stick" and couldn't order a glazed "Cruller". 

 I love saying "Cruller" it's just fun word to say and reminds me of a simple time when going to get coffee and donuts (and a cruller for me) on Sunday mornings with my Dad was really the best thing in the whole world... 

Still a sweet memory but Satchel Pooch really express’s it best.

CAUGHT IN A SUN BEAM

I’m caught in a sun beam and I am loving it!!  Right now writing this I am literately enjoying the sun shining thru the pine trees coming in my window and warming me heart and soul as it always does when I feel it on my skin but figuratively I am caught in a sun beam and am taking it with me where ever I go to share. 

You know how you look at some people and can see the look on their face or how they carry themselves and picture that dark rain cloud hanging over their heads.  Me I am trying to project the beam of light that I feel in me and shine that out to who is open to feel it. 
Enjoying the New Year feel still and all the possibilities that are open to me it is wonderful to shine the light on what I’m attracted to most and follow that beam.

I am the Sun being a Leo and all but it’s more than that.  It’s the warmth that the Sun represents and what I, as me would like to emulate in my life. 

I love living in the warmth of my Friends and Family and what they offer of themselves.  Not using this to change who I am but knowing that I am this way and they still love me for who that is. 

I am the Sun and will carry my beam with me for those who need it and share it with them till they are able to find their beam and shine and share it with others :)

PLEASE READ THIS!!!

TheBloggess is one of my favorite blogs to read... She is funny, random, serious, loving, and can fit naughty words in where you didn't think they could go but fit perfectly.

The link is for her post she wrote yesterday and brought tears to my eyes.  Not just because she is going thru this pain but the fact that she knows it makes her stronger and she is able to share that strength with others.  Her post is really something that applies to ALL of us either personally because we battle this everyday even if our smile is wide and our laugh is true or because someone we love goes thru a pain that we will never be able to understand but know we want to be there for them. ♥

Please read this and take from it what you will...The fight goes on

I Choose...

The picture says it all... I choose and that gives me the strength I need to know I am living as I should be living by just being me.

Happy New Year's Eve...

So today is New Years Eve and the marking of another year gone by.  Looking back a lot has happened this year for me.  Some good, some bad, but all very much needed to get me to where I am... Right here, Right now is a place that I am enjoying very much.  I have a few plans for 2012 and know that I will need to make them happen with the steadfastness I have in me. 

I am praying for all the ones I love that they have a Very Happy and Healthy New Year and know how much they are wanted and appreciated in my life! :o)

PERIPHERAL VISION

Early morning coffee with a Friend today the subject of Peripheral Vision came up.  I was saying the reason I don’t care for glasses are because I am not able to use my peripheral vision and he countered with most people don’t use theirs.

I gave him the “Awe sweetie you don’t know me very well do you?” look and told him that I definitively use my peripheral vision and have all my life (fined tuned it thru the years). 

As he really doesn’t know me very well he (understandably) doubted me maybe just thinking I was being funny or trying to impress him.

Having given me a little test he was surprised when I was able to see him (holding up two fingers) too what he thought would be just outside my peripheral vision without moving my head.  I was able to see one finger then could tell, by how he was holding his hand (thumb holding down two fingers) that there was only one other finger next to the one I could see.

Again surprised by my super awesome abilities (paraphrasing of course…lol) that I was able to see I told him (maybe have been a bad thing saying anything) but told him as a fat girl I learned not to move my head when I heard people making rude noises directed towards me (Mooooo) or just blatantly making fun of me.  I learned to see who it was without moving my head or body so I knew who to avoid.

Saying this out loud I thought made me sound a little bit “sad” in so far as I’m a 36 year old woman who still has people making cow sounds around her and that these sounds still get to me.

Yes I should have a tougher skin and not care as these people are just being jerks and if they bothered to get to know me they of course would love me ;o) but then listening to how he stood up for himself, his family and others who were being picked on around him made me think of why I don’t have a tougher skin.

I’m “emotional” for lack of a better word and “feel” in me others disappointment they have for who I am.  Growing up I had awesome parents and family that of course would support me and made me feel loved but I never had that someone stand up for me (fight my fight if you will). 

I (like I am sure countless others) have had to and still do find ways to avoid confrontation… i.e. we don’t talk back or physically hit the person or people who are making fun of us or causing (whether they know it or not) emotional damage.  Always being aware and having to protect yourself is exhausting and really can wear a person down over time. 

Now this may seem like I am saying “Awe poor me, I’ve had such a tuff life because people make fun of me” but please don’t read it as such. 

What I am trying to convey is and what this whole conversation made me realize is 1. I still need to suck it up and not be so emotional… but 2. I maybe as an Adult don’t need to keep thinking of how I need to protect myself but open myself up more… Move my head around, flash my pearly whites, smile at those who are being jerk faces…  Show them (and myself) that using the old coping (knee jerk) mechanisms needs to stop and I need to get out of my own “Peripheral Vision” and know that the world is not as scary as I sometimes feel it is…

Undeniable Truth I am a little kid always and forever at heart!

Ok sooooo last minute I was Christmas shopping this morning in CVS (needed stickers for cards and candy canes) walking down the aisle to the sticker location (yes I know exactly where the stickers are…lol) out of the corner of my eye I see this…

Now if you don’t know what this is it is a Sing-a-ma-jigs!  I found out about Sing-a-ma-jigs because of Meg (heart Meg!) who turned me on to the Vlogbrothers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vlogbrothers) who have done a few things with the Sing-a-ma-jigs in their Vlogs plus the Vlogs are very funny and smart (but I’m digressing). 

Anyways I knew when I saw the Sing-a-ma-jigs out of the corner of my eye that I would be buying one!!

So I go over and check them out, press the little hand (changes the mode  of the Sing-a-ma-jigs) then squeeze the tummy  (to make ‘em sing!) and basically make a fool of myself because I’m laughing and giggling like a little kid. 

I buy the purple one (of course) and off to work I go.  A little skip in my step excited to share this with everyone at work who I know will get a kick out of it. 

I wait (patiently like an adult…lol) till I hear Meg at her desk.  I go over and pop the Sing-a-ma-jig over the wall so she can see it.  I press the tummy and I guess scare her almost out of here chair… Oops not my intention to scare but had to share…lol

I go around the wall and apologize (because again… I am an adult) but share all the wonders of the Sing-a-ma-jigs and how it will amuse me for hours on end…lol

Then I wait for Renee and Mo… well Mo was a jerk…lol and said that “yeah these have been around a while”… Renee hit him and told him that he needed to be more excited for me…lol  Yes we are all adults in our mid 30’s but well again we are friends because we have the same sense of dorkyness…lol

Any waaaaays the long and the short of this whole rambling is that the fact this little toy (which really is just super cute and fun to annoy people play with) can make me feel like a little kid in and of its self might seem… well like I just need to get a life but the truth of this speaks to the heart of it all and that is the excitement of sharing something that you find neat with others in your life who will enjoy it also.  That excitement you felt as a kid when you just had pure joy in your heart for whatever you were doing or whoever you were with and wanted to share that excitement with them is just truly a very neat feeling.    

As we get older there are more stresses on our lives that sometimes drown out that excitement so we try to reclaim it with what we think will makes us happy but sometimes has the opposite affect and we end up with a hallow feeling.  So my suggestion for today is if you need to feel that feeling of giddy excitement just try sharing yourself and what you enjoy with those around you to feel that joy that your inner child wants you to feel always!!

Oh and get a Sing-a-ma-jig…lol

Open letter to my Godmother with all that has happened this last couple of years...

I have been trying to write this for a while and I keep stalling… I’m not really sure why.  I Love my Godmother so very much (my Godfather too).  They have helped me in more ways than I can say and I look up to them with the same love and admiration that I do my parents.

I guess I just feel like I have let everyone in my life down with who I am.  I had lost 120lbs in two years and within a year I put it back on plus 30lbs.

Everyone does so much for me and I really don’t feel that anything I do is worthy of their praise.  I feel that if I start writing about my year she will see I’m not doing anything with my life other than talking and to put that on paper is hard for me to swallow let alone prove to the people I love that I really am a loser. 

I know this may seem harsh and that I’m being a Debbie downer or that I’m a complainer but that’s part of the issue… I’m not.  I’m Beth the happy go lucky everything will work out if we just all believe and try Watson.  Yes I know its long middle name so my parents just shorted it to Marie…lol

But all joking aside I understand I am a good friend and am there for people when they need the emotional support but I don’t feel that I really contribute to my family other than just being the idiot of the pact… and by idiot I mean simple not much going on.

Looking back I really do love my life, I enjoy who I am and the people around me but I don’t’ have much to show for it as far as “things”.  Now not that I think success should be measured in “things” or my family even judges me like that but I don’t know I still feel bad that I never got a degree and I don’t have a career. 

I’ve been talking about going back to school for the last 6 or 7 years but have done nothing to actually start school back up.  I’m not upset about that I know when the time is right I’ll make it happen but I guess I still feel bad that I move at a slower pace than everyone else…

Sooooooo here it goes… Below is the e-mail I sent and I guess wasn’t as bad as I thought and maybe a good thing to write it all out so I can take a look and see where I want to go from here…

Hello my Dear Sweet Wonderful Godmother! :o)

This is long overdue and my deepest apologies for not having done this sooner.  I would like to thank you first for all that you do and the support you guys have given me my whole life (not just this past year). 

The last couple of years have been a bit of a ride for me and with Yours and Tyler’s help I am getting back on track (albeit slowly I’m still getting there). 

I am back on my meds as of February 2011 and now feel that they are working like they had before.  From April to August I was having a bit of an issue as I was having a lot more anxiety with them but some tweaking of the dosage it has calmed down a lot and I’m back to “normal”… 

For those months though I would find myself having mini panic attacks when I would have to drive (either home from work or to someplace like the store or to go visit friends).

I was also kind of going thru things with John and how our relationship was and I just wanted to hide.  He seemed supportive but didn’t really understand and well there was just really no chemistry between us.  Our relationship had turned into more of a “mothering” roll on my part.  I was trying to change the dynamic back but I found out he was messaging other woman so I ended it and have felt a lot better about myself.

It was the quiet sabotage he was doing that I didn’t’ notice.  But lesson learned and going forward I know I need to listen to my gut and try not to make everything better.  I count myself lucky because it was an easy break up and I haven’t heard from him since so I didn’t have to deal with “ex” drama (Yah for me!!)…lol)

From August to now I have been also seeing a counselor on top of the Psychiatrist as I needed more than just RX refills.  Gaining the weight back in such a short time made me realize that I need someone to talk to about it as the medication was only an aspect (big aspect) but still there are other things to my weight gain. 

I haven’t gotten back in to an exercise and diet routine as of yet.  A couple of false starts but I have faith in myself that I will get there so not too worried.  I just know that it needs to take time and more than the actual weight loss I miss the energy I once had so I’m consecrating on that as a motivation.  We’ll see; all I can do is try that can happen is it doesn’t work and I try something else.  :o)

I’m working on clearing out the clutter in my life (emotional and physical).  I’m planning on moving in February to a place closer to work and friends so I can be more social and save some money. 

One big lesson I learned with John is that I will not move for someone to make their life easier but because I want to be there and it will benefit us both.  He didn’t make me move by any means I mean I needed to move out of Liz’s and be on my own again but I moved with thinking that if I was closer to him then we would be closer emotionally as we could see each other more.  Yep didn’t’ really work out that way so lesson learned.  I’ll be more careful next time. 

Luckily I don’t “have to” move so I can take my time and find someplace closer to friends and work that I will enjoy living for a while.

Sprinkled in between all that there have been good times getting to know Dolli (Bill’s and Mom’s cousin) who contacted Bill thru facebook a couple of years ago and I have been getting to know her family which has been really nice.

I wish I could express how much I love you but my words seem hallow but please know and trust I think of you all the time and just love you so much I can’t wait to be able to see you again and give you a big ole hug!! :o)

I have never forgotten about Paris as I really would love to go.  I’m sorry that I keep having to put it off but know that it is not you it is as they say my life getting in the way of living but I have total faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen and it will be soon! :o)

Big Big Big Hugs!!!!

Please let me know how you are doing and what is going on in your life.

I Love you very much!!

Beth (aka Elizabeth :o)