“Sometimes I’m afraid when I you go”…. No actually I’m afraid
all the time. I have been for the last
few years as I can no longer keep down what I have been trying to suppress most
of my life. I’m getting to the point of
mental exhaustion as my one go to (food) brings more pain than comfort.
The majority of my life has been spent trying not to make
people mad (mother, father, brother, friends, general people around me) but I don’t have
the energy anymore to keep down the trauma from my past. I know how it will hurt everyone but I’m tried,
I’m so so tired. It will not be shared with anyone but my counselor but it needs to be shared. I need to let it out.
I want to be fearless again, I want to be free from this
hurt, I want to know, to believe that it wasn’t my fault and as a child with no
voice lost in a land of anger I want to not be afraid that me just being me won’t
make people mad.
I feel stupid and weak saying this as a grown adult in her
40s but if I had had the strength before I would have done this sooner. I didn’t so I just kept pushing it all
down. Drowning it in food and self-loathing. It was easier to deny or make excuses. Now I can’t... There is no place left to hide
and I have no energy left to look for another hiding place.
I don’t know what this means going forward? Medication for anxiety, counseling,
forgiveness, a new normal, re learning how to make a safe place for myself. Again more questions than answers but I will
keep asking these questions until I find the answers that make me fearless
again.
