I still feel uncomfortable of Love

We do things for ourselves but part of that is wanting to make sure those we love are proud of us.  We want to be the people we think they deserve to have in their lives.  Because of my weight I have never felt like I am deserving of love.  I know my parents, godparents, and uncle love me unconditionally but they are such amazing people that I never felt deserving of their love.  I have tried and failed so many times to be who I know they want me to be but I fail because I never did it for me.

I still feel uncomfortable of Love; my boyfriend is amazing but doesn’t see it.  When I tell him this he rolls his eyes and thinks I’m just being nice.  I know some of this is because if his own self esteem issues but some of it I can’t help think is because it’s coming from me.  If this was coming from someone more successful or pretty or smarter he would believe and know how amazing he is!! 

The same thing with my mother; I tried for so long to help her with her mental health issues that it drained every last drop of energy that I had.  I finally was so drained that I knew I had to step away or I would no longer exist.  Again if I was a better person I would have been able to help; my opinion, my words would have meant something to her to take to heart and get the help see needs but this never happened. 

I know in my mind both of these instances are not about me but the people themselves and them needing to know they are loved and feel worthy but I still feel in my heart that if I wasn’t me then people in my life would take what I say to heart more than a simple eye roll.

“Today starts today” is what I am doing for myself to make sure I am a better person and intern know that I am worthy of the love that has been given to me.  I am hoping this will also help with peoples who love me to see me as someone they can count on and rely on for support as they have supported me.  

Lightness has a call that's hard to hear

Lying in bed last night the lights off the ceiling fan going and the vertical blinds rippling in waves from the fan my mind went to the line from the Indigo Girls song Closer to Find “Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. 

Why is it so easy to go to the dark place first?  Because it’s EASY.  Easy is warm, Easy is safe, Easy is nice and in a world of mean we need that nice even if that nice is a false hood. 

Each day is a struggle for most of us who understand that “darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. We struggle with the hope we feel but the despair we see. 

I had a point when I started this post but now I’m lost in the music so I hope you are able to get lost in the music as well and can hear the light louder and louder the more you get lost.  

Time melts into itself

Today starts Today is what I keep telling myself but looking back I see how time melts into itself.  Days, Weeks, Years go by and I don’t know what I was doing.  Depression robs so many people of life without killing them.  Everyone is different and we all live with struggles but it is so sad when depression and anxiety takes you out of life. In the blink of an eye you are 10 years past where you thought you would be.  Each day you struggle just to survive to the next and you end up numb.  My path has shifted and the mind is clearing a bit so I can see thru the haze but I know I will always have to fight from sinking back into the abyss that claims so many of us.    

Tomorrow will come when it comes

Last week I gained a pound; this week I am not sure if I will have lost any.  I see with the group that I follow and my own feelings that this will be a struggle.  One that I will have to make sure I am present for and not just faking my way thru.  Each decision changes what can be a loss or a gain.  Each decision will change me for the better or will show me that I am still falling back into my old routine.  It’s been a little less than a month so I know this will be a long journey, I need to make sure I keep this in mind each day.  Today starts today is repetitive but it needs to be until it is second nature.  I need to remind myself that today is what I am living and tomorrow will come when it comes. 

The only consequence is what we do

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.”

~ John Ruskin

Change does not happen overnight but with each new day.

I realized this weekend that I am just living for weigh-in day.  I want to see the scale go down and quickly!  But… it’s only been a week and a half so I need to start learning how to live as “today starts today”. 

A fine line to walk but I feel I need to change my mind set to one day at a time.  

Today starts today; 

How do I want today to go?  

What do I want to do differently? 

What do I want to keep the same?  

What has to be done and what should be done?  

More questions than answers at the moment but reminding myself that each day needs to be treated as new day to be the person I want to be.  Looking back at who I was/am but knowing if I don’t like that I need to change.  Change does not happen overnight but with each new day.   

The truth is I’m not brave or sure I just know I can’t live like this no more.

“The truth is I’m not brave or sure I just know I can’t live like this no more” this line is in the song The Way Home by The Airborne Toxic Event.  I came across this song a few weeks ago and it made me cry.  I love when music can express what we feel but sometimes do not have the words to express ourselves.

A whole new journey has been started and each day I am reminding myself that I can’t live like I was living.  I can’t keep doing what I was doing.  I can’t keep feeling the way I was feeling. 

It’s only been 7 days but I am feeling better, I am tired but I think I am sleeping better at night and I haven’t slept well in a very long while.

Today starts each day and I can only take it as it comes. 

Practice, practice, practice

Today starts today is what I keep telling myself.  It is hard; I know some people will think I’m a wimp but after not putting yourself first for so long it is very hard to make sure you are doing what you need to do to keep on track.  The fear keeps creeping in and I keep having to tell it to go away.  It is like learning a whole new language, practice, practice, practice is something I will need to be sure to do. 

I’m Happy but still scared

I’m Happy but still scared; this is a hard emotion to always live in as I feel the Joy that Life can be but I’m also scared all the time.  Sacred that I won’t be able to handle life’s big challenges when they come up.  Scared that I will fail when I try because my resolve is really not there.  Scared that I will not be who I think I can be.   

I’ve started down a scary road because failure means death.  This is hard to say but I need to say it as that is the truth. If I fail at losing weight then I will keep suffering physically and emotionally and I don’t know how much longer I could go on with the pain.

I’m Happy though as I now know today starts today and each day I will need to take it as it comes and remind myself I am worthy.  Worthy of Loving myself.  Worthy of the Love that others have for me.  Worthy of showing myself and others that I do have what it takes and can succeed.