Monday, July 31, 2017

I still feel uncomfortable of Love

We do things for ourselves but part of that is wanting to make sure those we love are proud of us.  We want to be the people we think they deserve to have in their lives.  Because of my weight I have never felt like I am deserving of love.  I know my parents, godparents, and uncle love me unconditionally but they are such amazing people that I never felt deserving of their love.  I have tried and failed so many times to be who I know they want me to be but I fail because I never did it for me.
I still feel uncomfortable of Love; my boyfriend is amazing but doesn’t see it.  When I tell him this he rolls his eyes and thinks I’m just being nice.  I know some of this is because if his own self esteem issues but some of it I can’t help think is because it’s coming from me.  If this was coming from someone more successful or pretty or smarter he would believe and know how amazing he is!! 
The same thing with my mother; I tried for so long to help her with her mental health issues that it drained every last drop of energy that I had.  I finally was so drained that I knew I had to step away or I would no longer exist.  Again if I was a better person I would have been able to help; my opinion, my words would have meant something to her to take to heart and get the help see needs but this never happened. 
I know in my mind both of these instances are not about me but the people themselves and them needing to know they are loved and feel worthy but I still feel in my heart that if I wasn’t me then people in my life would take what I say to heart more than a simple eye roll.

“Today starts today” is what I am doing for myself to make sure I am a better person and intern know that I am worthy of the love that has been given to me.  I am hoping this will also help with peoples who love me to see me as someone they can count on and rely on for support as they have supported me.  

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