Friday, June 30, 2017

I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself

Last night I posted a picture on facebook with the saying “I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself”.  Some people might not understand this saying and that’s ok but other will identify wholeheartedly. 
We Love, we Love deeply but we don’t know how to show that same Love that we have for others to ourselves.  People have been making fun of “self-care” as a liberal snowflake wussy touchy-feely idea but these people do not understand that some people need to remind themselves (daily) that they are worthy of Love. 
Again I am and have been very lucky to find a Man who Loves me, makes me feel Loved by him and also lets me Love him back.  I never feel worthy of his Love and it’s a daily struggle not to just run and hide but Love changes you, makes you feel strong, and awakens a side of you to know that you are worthy.

Admitting that I am Loved is scary but worth it, but part of being Loved is Loving yourself.  Love yourself enough to not always be afraid, not always take the easy road, not always doubt that you are worth the Love you are given by others.  Today starts today.     

Thursday, June 29, 2017

The proverbial weight really does lift.

It truly is amazing what happens when you admit that you need help, and then start asking for that help.  The proverbial weight really does lift from your shoulders and you feel lighter.  The help isn’t always from people that you know.  Some of us do not have the support network of Friends and Family who we can ask for help from, but knowing you are worth it and then can admit to yourself you need help is the first step of “Today starts today”.  Tomorrow will come when it does but today what is it that you need help with?

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Today starts today

Starting really is the hardest part...  The time leading up to your actual start is filled with doubt, doubt, and more doubt.  As everyone is different each of our “starts” will look different from the others person start.

My start happened a few weeks ago with admitting that I need help and then asking for help.  The help I needed as my start was in the form of a shorter commute.  My manager is an amazing person who was very kind and let me work closer to home 4 days a week.  I used to have a three hour round trip commute three days a week and after two years it showed me that I cannot get healthy with losing three hours a day form a majority of the week.

It was very hard for me to ask for help, I have always had the mindset that if I was strong enough I could do it without having to bother anyone.  One of my big issues is that I always feel like I’m bothering people.  It drives my boyfriend crazy as he’ll try to do something for me and I’ll tell him never mind don’t worry about it.  I think I have control issues and if I keep people from doing things for me than I can control what effort I can give back.  Not that I don’t want to give back.  The opposite if I could give all I would it’s just that I am so down on myself I talk myself out of helping and now that I’m older and have gained all my weight back plus more I just feel awful all the time.  Physically and Mentally.  One of my best friends commented the other day that I was happier when I was thinner and I felt really bad that he could see my pain.  I thought I was good at hiding my bad stuff but as I get older I realize people can see thru the smile; it’s never fake, I love life and all those around me but carrying an extra 200lbs around will take it out of a person.
I hurt all the time and I have been walking with a cane for almost a year, plus I just found out that my boyfriend is more concerned about my health than I realized.  He doesn’t see me as healthy (which in all fairness I’m not) but if he doesn’t feel like he can count on me then I feel really bad that he has to be concerned about what happens if I die.

I won’t go into my whole back story of how I got to here but I’m here and I don’t want to be.  I want to be mobile, I want to be the Lover, the Friend, the Family member that can be counted on and not the person who needs a chair wherever she goes because I can’t stand for more than two minutes.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but it is a little less scary because I’ve started. And stating is the hardest part.