Talking To Wolves

So the last couple of months have been challenging.  Just when I think I have this down I fall off, then back on, then back off.  I am hopeful as today I am 90lbs gone in 5 ½ months.  I would like to make my 6^th month weigh in be 100lbs gone but that’s only two weeks away and Yule/Christmas still have to be navigated.  The good thing is I have a lot of support, the bad thing is I don’t want to let everyone down and that adds stress which makes me want to eat… Ugh…. Right now just Ugh.  I know I got this but still the fact that it is an everyday struggle sometimes makes it hard to sleep and getting my mind to shut off is all I want for the Holidays. Today Starts Today and all I can do is remind myself to try and suck a little less then I did the day before.

You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day...

“You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day.  Just relax.  Master the day.  Then just keep doing that every day.”

This is so needed right now.  I am struggling with not over eating.  Each day seems to be harder than the past day and it is exhausting mentally and physically trying to stay on protocol.  I wish there was a switch to turn that part of my brain off.  I know I cannot fight this on my own so today I reached out to make an appointment with my old counselor to see if she is still available to help me. 

I dislike how weak this makes me feel.  How do you explain to people that you can’t just put food out of your mind.  This was (is) my coping mechanism for life’s stresses, for 35 years of my life… yes I started stressing about life when I was 7…maybe even before but I don’t have the best memory when it comes to my childhood.

BUT I can no longer feed the booboo because it hurts me too.  Go for a walk they say, but while I walk my brain obsesses on food.  Take a shower they say, but while I’m in the shower my brain obsesses on food.  They only time I can shut my brain off is watching tv or sleeping.  I try to read by my retention is horrible.  I read a whole chapter and cannot tell you what I just read so it is frustrating and makes me not want to read plus guess what happens when I read… my brain obsesses on food.

How can I get my mind to relax that is the question for the day.  

NSV (Non Scale Victory)

So today I had my first significant NSV (Non Scale Victory) at work. Thursdays are my travel day when I go in and make my appearance at the big show (aka Merrimack).  Very pretty drive, just long, so I’m glad to only have to make it once a week.  But when the weather is nice Julie and I sit outside for our lunch time catch up.  The chairs outside are wrought iron and wide but I always had to squeeze into them and my fat would poke out the sides.  Today I was able to slide into them and no spillage.  It was a very nice feeling as it’s hard to see my progress when I am still so big.  It was great to sit in the sun, enjoy my talk with a Friend and not worry about how I must look like a stuffed sausage in the chair.  Marking a big Woo Hoo in the win column for today!    

Being of Good Health

September was a month of activity, sun, and slower weight loss.  I did lose 18 lbs but struggled to eat all my veggies and had to take a two week sabbatical from salad as I was in lettuce over load.  I am back on track with veggies and salad (but just 4 days a week for salad). 

That being said October will be a changeling month, I have events every Saturday this month which means I will be around good food.  This last Saturday was good, we had a taco bar for our Helið Fægening (Being of Good Health) and I stayed on protocol even though the smells were amazing.

I am still struggling with reminding myself that “Today Starts Today” but also building healthy habits to sustain my weight loss so I do not go back to gaining.  Each day is different and if something doesn’t work I know I have tried and will just need to try something else till I find what works for me.    

Turn to Love

They say love is pain... they say love is kind.... they say love can save you... But Love can only do what you allow it to do. If you let love in it will save you. If you lock it out because of the pain it causes then it will always cause you pain. When you let love be love then the kindness that is always needed follows. 
I have no proof that these statements are true but I  know when I am feeling lost it is because I am keeping love out.
I look back and I see the wrong turns I have made in life were because I was trying to keep the pain of love away. The right turns I made in life were always in loves direction.

Sharing is Caring

Wednesday was two months to the day that I started my IP (Ideal Protein) journey.  It has been a fast two months and I am down 48.6 LBs and 26 ½ inches over all.  Ketosis is amazing as I have not exercised at all.  I will have to start though as I need to take this time to build healthy habits so when I move back to “regular” food I do not gain the weight back.

I won’t say that this is easy by any stretch but it really works for me as I’m able to keep to protocol (except for when I’m not) but I know when I don’t stick to protocol that I don’t loose and I need to keep that in mind.

I also need to make sure that I am using my time wisely and working on myself.  The weight is a symptom of a larger issue and that issue will not go away with the weight.  If only there is a brain ketosis…

Right now I am working on systems that will help me achieve goals.  I’ll go in to that in a later post but right now just wanted to share my progress. 

I tripped, I fell, I laid on the ground

I tripped, I fell, I laid on the ground looking at the sky and now I’m back up again.  After a 5 day “bender” I am back on the IP wagon.  I learned (what I’ve always know) is I am an addict;  My addiction  hurts no one but myself as it’s not drugs or alcohol but food that I am addicted to.  I thought I could “cheat” here and there but it turned in to almost a full blown “eat all the things” scenario.

I would like to say my lesson is learned but I’m not super confident in myself to say that I have.  I know that I will try to stick to protocol but being around food is hard sometimes.  I’ve asked by boyfriend to hide his sweets but I still know they are there.  My mind fixates and the amount of energy to not think about food is what drains me.  I am reminding myself Today starts Today but each day I need to keep in mind what I am and how can I change my mind set. I don’t know what the answer is…yet but I am back on my way of finding out. 

Change is here and I am ready

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers sang that “The waiting is the hardest part” but it’s not the waiting it’s the change.  We all have different factors in our lives that motivate us to change.  Some have life events that thrust them into that change.  Others have the will to and foresight to see that they need to change to be who they want to be and then there are people like me.  I see the change that is needed but there has always been this wall that no matter what I tried I could not get over or break thru. 

That has changed in the last few weeks, I have admitted I needed help and have gone after that help.  This is the change that was so hard for me for so long.  I wanted to be strong enough to do this on my own but really I was just hurting myself and not realizing why. 

Change is here and I am ready and doing the work but it is still hard and that is why Today starts today because the change comes from within.

You can do anything, but not everything

“You can do anything, but not everything.”

~ David Allen

This quote was at the bottom of one of the daily IP videos and it really struck home.  Today starts today and I can only get done what I can do.  I know I need to push myself more than I have been but I have to remember that I can’t do everything (which is what my mind wants me to do).

This past weekend was my Birthday and I did not have any cake or sweets but what I did have was new hope.  I received a very cute shirt from two of my very Best Friends and although it was still a 6x it was lose and showed me that 1. I still have a long way to go, but 2. I can do it.  Slow but sure I will be who I know I can be!!  

I still feel uncomfortable of Love

We do things for ourselves but part of that is wanting to make sure those we love are proud of us.  We want to be the people we think they deserve to have in their lives.  Because of my weight I have never felt like I am deserving of love.  I know my parents, godparents, and uncle love me unconditionally but they are such amazing people that I never felt deserving of their love.  I have tried and failed so many times to be who I know they want me to be but I fail because I never did it for me.

I still feel uncomfortable of Love; my boyfriend is amazing but doesn’t see it.  When I tell him this he rolls his eyes and thinks I’m just being nice.  I know some of this is because if his own self esteem issues but some of it I can’t help think is because it’s coming from me.  If this was coming from someone more successful or pretty or smarter he would believe and know how amazing he is!! 

The same thing with my mother; I tried for so long to help her with her mental health issues that it drained every last drop of energy that I had.  I finally was so drained that I knew I had to step away or I would no longer exist.  Again if I was a better person I would have been able to help; my opinion, my words would have meant something to her to take to heart and get the help see needs but this never happened. 

I know in my mind both of these instances are not about me but the people themselves and them needing to know they are loved and feel worthy but I still feel in my heart that if I wasn’t me then people in my life would take what I say to heart more than a simple eye roll.

“Today starts today” is what I am doing for myself to make sure I am a better person and intern know that I am worthy of the love that has been given to me.  I am hoping this will also help with peoples who love me to see me as someone they can count on and rely on for support as they have supported me.  

Lightness has a call that's hard to hear

Lying in bed last night the lights off the ceiling fan going and the vertical blinds rippling in waves from the fan my mind went to the line from the Indigo Girls song Closer to Find “Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. 

Why is it so easy to go to the dark place first?  Because it’s EASY.  Easy is warm, Easy is safe, Easy is nice and in a world of mean we need that nice even if that nice is a false hood. 

Each day is a struggle for most of us who understand that “darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. We struggle with the hope we feel but the despair we see. 

I had a point when I started this post but now I’m lost in the music so I hope you are able to get lost in the music as well and can hear the light louder and louder the more you get lost.  

Time melts into itself

Today starts Today is what I keep telling myself but looking back I see how time melts into itself.  Days, Weeks, Years go by and I don’t know what I was doing.  Depression robs so many people of life without killing them.  Everyone is different and we all live with struggles but it is so sad when depression and anxiety takes you out of life. In the blink of an eye you are 10 years past where you thought you would be.  Each day you struggle just to survive to the next and you end up numb.  My path has shifted and the mind is clearing a bit so I can see thru the haze but I know I will always have to fight from sinking back into the abyss that claims so many of us.    

Tomorrow will come when it comes

Last week I gained a pound; this week I am not sure if I will have lost any.  I see with the group that I follow and my own feelings that this will be a struggle.  One that I will have to make sure I am present for and not just faking my way thru.  Each decision changes what can be a loss or a gain.  Each decision will change me for the better or will show me that I am still falling back into my old routine.  It’s been a little less than a month so I know this will be a long journey, I need to make sure I keep this in mind each day.  Today starts today is repetitive but it needs to be until it is second nature.  I need to remind myself that today is what I am living and tomorrow will come when it comes. 

The only consequence is what we do

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.”

~ John Ruskin

Change does not happen overnight but with each new day.

I realized this weekend that I am just living for weigh-in day.  I want to see the scale go down and quickly!  But… it’s only been a week and a half so I need to start learning how to live as “today starts today”. 

A fine line to walk but I feel I need to change my mind set to one day at a time.  

Today starts today; 

How do I want today to go?  

What do I want to do differently? 

What do I want to keep the same?  

What has to be done and what should be done?  

More questions than answers at the moment but reminding myself that each day needs to be treated as new day to be the person I want to be.  Looking back at who I was/am but knowing if I don’t like that I need to change.  Change does not happen overnight but with each new day.   

The truth is I’m not brave or sure I just know I can’t live like this no more.

“The truth is I’m not brave or sure I just know I can’t live like this no more” this line is in the song The Way Home by The Airborne Toxic Event.  I came across this song a few weeks ago and it made me cry.  I love when music can express what we feel but sometimes do not have the words to express ourselves.

A whole new journey has been started and each day I am reminding myself that I can’t live like I was living.  I can’t keep doing what I was doing.  I can’t keep feeling the way I was feeling. 

It’s only been 7 days but I am feeling better, I am tired but I think I am sleeping better at night and I haven’t slept well in a very long while.

Today starts each day and I can only take it as it comes. 

Practice, practice, practice

Today starts today is what I keep telling myself.  It is hard; I know some people will think I’m a wimp but after not putting yourself first for so long it is very hard to make sure you are doing what you need to do to keep on track.  The fear keeps creeping in and I keep having to tell it to go away.  It is like learning a whole new language, practice, practice, practice is something I will need to be sure to do. 

I’m Happy but still scared

I’m Happy but still scared; this is a hard emotion to always live in as I feel the Joy that Life can be but I’m also scared all the time.  Sacred that I won’t be able to handle life’s big challenges when they come up.  Scared that I will fail when I try because my resolve is really not there.  Scared that I will not be who I think I can be.   

I’ve started down a scary road because failure means death.  This is hard to say but I need to say it as that is the truth. If I fail at losing weight then I will keep suffering physically and emotionally and I don’t know how much longer I could go on with the pain.

I’m Happy though as I now know today starts today and each day I will need to take it as it comes and remind myself I am worthy.  Worthy of Loving myself.  Worthy of the Love that others have for me.  Worthy of showing myself and others that I do have what it takes and can succeed. 

I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself

Last night I posted a picture on facebook with the saying “I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself”.  Some people might not understand this saying and that’s ok but other will identify wholeheartedly. 

We Love, we Love deeply but we don’t know how to show that same Love that we have for others to ourselves.  People have been making fun of “self-care” as a liberal snowflake wussy touchy-feely idea but these people do not understand that some people need to remind themselves (daily) that they are worthy of Love. 

Again I am and have been very lucky to find a Man who Loves me, makes me feel Loved by him and also lets me Love him back.  I never feel worthy of his Love and it’s a daily struggle not to just run and hide but Love changes you, makes you feel strong, and awakens a side of you to know that you are worthy.

Admitting that I am Loved is scary but worth it, but part of being Loved is Loving yourself.  Love yourself enough to not always be afraid, not always take the easy road, not always doubt that you are worth the Love you are given by others.  Today starts today.     

The proverbial weight really does lift.

It truly is amazing what happens when you admit that you need help, and then start asking for that help.  The proverbial weight really does lift from your shoulders and you feel lighter.  The help isn’t always from people that you know.  Some of us do not have the support network of Friends and Family who we can ask for help from, but knowing you are worth it and then can admit to yourself you need help is the first step of “Today starts today”.  Tomorrow will come when it does but today what is it that you need help with?

Today starts today

Starting really is the hardest part...  The time leading up to your actual start is filled with doubt, doubt, and more doubt.  As everyone is different each of our “starts” will look different from the others person start.

My start happened a few weeks ago with admitting that I need help and then asking for help.  The help I needed as my start was in the form of a shorter commute.  My manager is an amazing person who was very kind and let me work closer to home 4 days a week.  I used to have a three hour round trip commute three days a week and after two years it showed me that I cannot get healthy with losing three hours a day form a majority of the week.

It was very hard for me to ask for help, I have always had the mindset that if I was strong enough I could do it without having to bother anyone.  One of my big issues is that I always feel like I’m bothering people.  It drives my boyfriend crazy as he’ll try to do something for me and I’ll tell him never mind don’t worry about it.  I think I have control issues and if I keep people from doing things for me than I can control what effort I can give back.  Not that I don’t want to give back.  The opposite if I could give all I would it’s just that I am so down on myself I talk myself out of helping and now that I’m older and have gained all my weight back plus more I just feel awful all the time.  Physically and Mentally.  One of my best friends commented the other day that I was happier when I was thinner and I felt really bad that he could see my pain.  I thought I was good at hiding my bad stuff but as I get older I realize people can see thru the smile; it’s never fake, I love life and all those around me but carrying an extra 200lbs around will take it out of a person.

I hurt all the time and I have been walking with a cane for almost a year, plus I just found out that my boyfriend is more concerned about my health than I realized.  He doesn’t see me as healthy (which in all fairness I’m not) but if he doesn’t feel like he can count on me then I feel really bad that he has to be concerned about what happens if I die.

I won’t go into my whole back story of how I got to here but I’m here and I don’t want to be.  I want to be mobile, I want to be the Lover, the Friend, the Family member that can be counted on and not the person who needs a chair wherever she goes because I can’t stand for more than two minutes.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but it is a little less scary because I’ve started. And stating is the hardest part.