Thursday, July 27, 2017

Time melts into itself

Today starts Today is what I keep telling myself but looking back I see how time melts into itself.  Days, Weeks, Years go by and I don’t know what I was doing.  Depression robs so many people of life without killing them.  Everyone is different and we all live with struggles but it is so sad when depression and anxiety takes you out of life. In the blink of an eye you are 10 years past where you thought you would be.  Each day you struggle just to survive to the next and you end up numb.  My path has shifted and the mind is clearing a bit so I can see thru the haze but I know I will always have to fight from sinking back into the abyss that claims so many of us.    

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Tomorrow will come when it comes

Last week I gained a pound; this week I am not sure if I will have lost any.  I see with the group that I follow and my own feelings that this will be a struggle.  One that I will have to make sure I am present for and not just faking my way thru.  Each decision changes what can be a loss or a gain.  Each decision will change me for the better or will show me that I am still falling back into my old routine.  It’s been a little less than a month so I know this will be a long journey, I need to make sure I keep this in mind each day.  Today starts today is repetitive but it needs to be until it is second nature.  I need to remind myself that today is what I am living and tomorrow will come when it comes. 

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

The only consequence is what we do

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.”

~ John Ruskin

Monday, July 10, 2017

Change does not happen overnight but with each new day.

I realized this weekend that I am just living for weigh-in day.  I want to see the scale go down and quickly!  But… it’s only been a week and a half so I need to start learning how to live as “today starts today”. 

A fine line to walk but I feel I need to change my mind set to one day at a time.  
Today starts today; 
How do I want today to go?  
What do I want to do differently? 
What do I want to keep the same?  
What has to be done and what should be done?  
More questions than answers at the moment but reminding myself that each day needs to be treated as new day to be the person I want to be.  Looking back at who I was/am but knowing if I don’t like that I need to change.  Change does not happen overnight but with each new day.   

Friday, July 7, 2017

The truth is I’m not brave or sure I just know I can’t live like this no more.

The truth is I’m not brave or sure I just know I can’t live like this no more” this line is in the song The Way Home by The Airborne Toxic Event.  I came across this song a few weeks ago and it made me cry.  I love when music can express what we feel but sometimes do not have the words to express ourselves.
A whole new journey has been started and each day I am reminding myself that I can’t live like I was living.  I can’t keep doing what I was doing.  I can’t keep feeling the way I was feeling. 
It’s only been 7 days but I am feeling better, I am tired but I think I am sleeping better at night and I haven’t slept well in a very long while.

Today starts each day and I can only take it as it comes. 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Practice, practice, practice

Today starts today is what I keep telling myself.  It is hard; I know some people will think I’m a wimp but after not putting yourself first for so long it is very hard to make sure you are doing what you need to do to keep on track.  The fear keeps creeping in and I keep having to tell it to go away.  It is like learning a whole new language, practice, practice, practice is something I will need to be sure to do. 

Monday, July 3, 2017

I’m Happy but still scared

I’m Happy but still scared; this is a hard emotion to always live in as I feel the Joy that Life can be but I’m also scared all the time.  Sacred that I won’t be able to handle life’s big challenges when they come up.  Scared that I will fail when I try because my resolve is really not there.  Scared that I will not be who I think I can be.   
I’ve started down a scary road because failure means death.  This is hard to say but I need to say it as that is the truth. If I fail at losing weight then I will keep suffering physically and emotionally and I don’t know how much longer I could go on with the pain.

I’m Happy though as I now know today starts today and each day I will need to take it as it comes and remind myself I am worthy.  Worthy of Loving myself.  Worthy of the Love that others have for me.  Worthy of showing myself and others that I do have what it takes and can succeed. 

Friday, June 30, 2017

I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself

Last night I posted a picture on facebook with the saying “I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself”.  Some people might not understand this saying and that’s ok but other will identify wholeheartedly. 
We Love, we Love deeply but we don’t know how to show that same Love that we have for others to ourselves.  People have been making fun of “self-care” as a liberal snowflake wussy touchy-feely idea but these people do not understand that some people need to remind themselves (daily) that they are worthy of Love. 
Again I am and have been very lucky to find a Man who Loves me, makes me feel Loved by him and also lets me Love him back.  I never feel worthy of his Love and it’s a daily struggle not to just run and hide but Love changes you, makes you feel strong, and awakens a side of you to know that you are worthy.

Admitting that I am Loved is scary but worth it, but part of being Loved is Loving yourself.  Love yourself enough to not always be afraid, not always take the easy road, not always doubt that you are worth the Love you are given by others.  Today starts today.     

Thursday, June 29, 2017

The proverbial weight really does lift.

It truly is amazing what happens when you admit that you need help, and then start asking for that help.  The proverbial weight really does lift from your shoulders and you feel lighter.  The help isn’t always from people that you know.  Some of us do not have the support network of Friends and Family who we can ask for help from, but knowing you are worth it and then can admit to yourself you need help is the first step of “Today starts today”.  Tomorrow will come when it does but today what is it that you need help with?

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Today starts today

Starting really is the hardest part...  The time leading up to your actual start is filled with doubt, doubt, and more doubt.  As everyone is different each of our “starts” will look different from the others person start.

My start happened a few weeks ago with admitting that I need help and then asking for help.  The help I needed as my start was in the form of a shorter commute.  My manager is an amazing person who was very kind and let me work closer to home 4 days a week.  I used to have a three hour round trip commute three days a week and after two years it showed me that I cannot get healthy with losing three hours a day form a majority of the week.

It was very hard for me to ask for help, I have always had the mindset that if I was strong enough I could do it without having to bother anyone.  One of my big issues is that I always feel like I’m bothering people.  It drives my boyfriend crazy as he’ll try to do something for me and I’ll tell him never mind don’t worry about it.  I think I have control issues and if I keep people from doing things for me than I can control what effort I can give back.  Not that I don’t want to give back.  The opposite if I could give all I would it’s just that I am so down on myself I talk myself out of helping and now that I’m older and have gained all my weight back plus more I just feel awful all the time.  Physically and Mentally.  One of my best friends commented the other day that I was happier when I was thinner and I felt really bad that he could see my pain.  I thought I was good at hiding my bad stuff but as I get older I realize people can see thru the smile; it’s never fake, I love life and all those around me but carrying an extra 200lbs around will take it out of a person.
I hurt all the time and I have been walking with a cane for almost a year, plus I just found out that my boyfriend is more concerned about my health than I realized.  He doesn’t see me as healthy (which in all fairness I’m not) but if he doesn’t feel like he can count on me then I feel really bad that he has to be concerned about what happens if I die.

I won’t go into my whole back story of how I got to here but I’m here and I don’t want to be.  I want to be mobile, I want to be the Lover, the Friend, the Family member that can be counted on and not the person who needs a chair wherever she goes because I can’t stand for more than two minutes.


I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but it is a little less scary because I’ve started. And stating is the hardest part.