Happy New Year's Eve...

So today is New Years Eve and the marking of another year gone by.  Looking back a lot has happened this year for me.  Some good, some bad, but all very much needed to get me to where I am... Right here, Right now is a place that I am enjoying very much.  I have a few plans for 2012 and know that I will need to make them happen with the steadfastness I have in me. 

I am praying for all the ones I love that they have a Very Happy and Healthy New Year and know how much they are wanted and appreciated in my life! :o)

PERIPHERAL VISION

Early morning coffee with a Friend today the subject of Peripheral Vision came up.  I was saying the reason I don’t care for glasses are because I am not able to use my peripheral vision and he countered with most people don’t use theirs.

I gave him the “Awe sweetie you don’t know me very well do you?” look and told him that I definitively use my peripheral vision and have all my life (fined tuned it thru the years). 

As he really doesn’t know me very well he (understandably) doubted me maybe just thinking I was being funny or trying to impress him.

Having given me a little test he was surprised when I was able to see him (holding up two fingers) too what he thought would be just outside my peripheral vision without moving my head.  I was able to see one finger then could tell, by how he was holding his hand (thumb holding down two fingers) that there was only one other finger next to the one I could see.

Again surprised by my super awesome abilities (paraphrasing of course…lol) that I was able to see I told him (maybe have been a bad thing saying anything) but told him as a fat girl I learned not to move my head when I heard people making rude noises directed towards me (Mooooo) or just blatantly making fun of me.  I learned to see who it was without moving my head or body so I knew who to avoid.

Saying this out loud I thought made me sound a little bit “sad” in so far as I’m a 36 year old woman who still has people making cow sounds around her and that these sounds still get to me.

Yes I should have a tougher skin and not care as these people are just being jerks and if they bothered to get to know me they of course would love me ;o) but then listening to how he stood up for himself, his family and others who were being picked on around him made me think of why I don’t have a tougher skin.

I’m “emotional” for lack of a better word and “feel” in me others disappointment they have for who I am.  Growing up I had awesome parents and family that of course would support me and made me feel loved but I never had that someone stand up for me (fight my fight if you will). 

I (like I am sure countless others) have had to and still do find ways to avoid confrontation… i.e. we don’t talk back or physically hit the person or people who are making fun of us or causing (whether they know it or not) emotional damage.  Always being aware and having to protect yourself is exhausting and really can wear a person down over time. 

Now this may seem like I am saying “Awe poor me, I’ve had such a tuff life because people make fun of me” but please don’t read it as such. 

What I am trying to convey is and what this whole conversation made me realize is 1. I still need to suck it up and not be so emotional… but 2. I maybe as an Adult don’t need to keep thinking of how I need to protect myself but open myself up more… Move my head around, flash my pearly whites, smile at those who are being jerk faces…  Show them (and myself) that using the old coping (knee jerk) mechanisms needs to stop and I need to get out of my own “Peripheral Vision” and know that the world is not as scary as I sometimes feel it is…

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY

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I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

-- J.B. Priestlet (1894-1984) English Author

I think this is a great quote and works well with the drive to work today (see picture below).  The clouds hiding the sun and then it peaking thru… hinting of what magic is out there waiting to happen.  It is a new day and a new foot forward how can that not just be one of the best things out there that we are able to enjoy! 

Randomness Thy name is Beth…

Ok so I’ll be moving in a couple of months (closer to Friends and work but still NH) and I’ve been going thru something’s.  I found old mixed CD’s… Yes I still do mix CD’s as I am not cool enough to have an IPod that will play in my car :op

Anyways I thought I would share the last six songs on the CD I was listening to on my way to work today.  I love the randomness that sometimes just fits me so well it’s no scary per-say more of a “God I love the way the Universe works” type of deal… So from Country, to Hip-Hop, to Soft Rock, to Dance, to Folk (oh yeah I run the gambit baby) the order of the songs below I realize that the randomness is how my heart and soul talks to me thru music (even if I don’t know what I’m saying at the time).

Alabama - I'm In A Hurry - is me telling me to slow down and giving me permission to enjoy the daily routine and see what happiness is there but that I don’t see sometimes because I am rushing around. 

Fort Minor - Remember the Name - is giving me a kick in the tuches and reminding me that I… Me… is the one who needs to work for the changes I want to have happen. 

Don Henley – End of the Innocence - is a way of saying that “yes” life is not always the sunshine and rainbows I wish it to be and once the luster of someone or something is gone doesn’t mean that it is ruined for ever just means that I need to find the beauty in what is really truly there.  

Rascal Flatts – Broken Road – is… well this song just makes my heart melt and know that there is true love out there and when the time is right we’ll meet and I’ll know that there was no other path I could have taken to where I need to be… Right here… Right now.

Fragma - Toca's Miracle - is a song that reminds me of my early twenties but listening to the words the miracle that I need is the miracle that is the love I have for myself that will be mirrored but the Man who truly loves me and I in turn feel for him.  It’s not the physical “parting of the red seas” miracle I need but the emotional connection that I have always know I want from others. 

Jonathan Edwards - Sunshine – is, well I know this song is about drugs but for me it is more of a reminder that sometimes I need to lock myself away and just recharge.  Sunshine I love you but the darkness is needed (every now and again) to remind me how bright the Sun truly is…

Music can move us in ways we never thought possible and give us the freedom to express our hearts desires even if it is done on a subconscious level… Our heart and soul dances to the music and moves us where and how we should move to make our lives richer.

A Snow Globe Christmas

Merry Christmas... I'm looking out my window and it looks like a snow globe with the little snowflakes just wafting to the ground :O)
Have a Very Merry Christmas to my wonderful Friends and Family. Hope your snow globe day is all you want it to be! 

Undeniable Truth I am a little kid always and forever at heart!

Ok sooooo last minute I was Christmas shopping this morning in CVS (needed stickers for cards and candy canes) walking down the aisle to the sticker location (yes I know exactly where the stickers are…lol) out of the corner of my eye I see this…

Now if you don’t know what this is it is a Sing-a-ma-jigs!  I found out about Sing-a-ma-jigs because of Meg (heart Meg!) who turned me on to the Vlogbrothers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vlogbrothers) who have done a few things with the Sing-a-ma-jigs in their Vlogs plus the Vlogs are very funny and smart (but I’m digressing). 

Anyways I knew when I saw the Sing-a-ma-jigs out of the corner of my eye that I would be buying one!!

So I go over and check them out, press the little hand (changes the mode  of the Sing-a-ma-jigs) then squeeze the tummy  (to make ‘em sing!) and basically make a fool of myself because I’m laughing and giggling like a little kid. 

I buy the purple one (of course) and off to work I go.  A little skip in my step excited to share this with everyone at work who I know will get a kick out of it. 

I wait (patiently like an adult…lol) till I hear Meg at her desk.  I go over and pop the Sing-a-ma-jig over the wall so she can see it.  I press the tummy and I guess scare her almost out of here chair… Oops not my intention to scare but had to share…lol

I go around the wall and apologize (because again… I am an adult) but share all the wonders of the Sing-a-ma-jigs and how it will amuse me for hours on end…lol

Then I wait for Renee and Mo… well Mo was a jerk…lol and said that “yeah these have been around a while”… Renee hit him and told him that he needed to be more excited for me…lol  Yes we are all adults in our mid 30’s but well again we are friends because we have the same sense of dorkyness…lol

Any waaaaays the long and the short of this whole rambling is that the fact this little toy (which really is just super cute and fun to annoy people play with) can make me feel like a little kid in and of its self might seem… well like I just need to get a life but the truth of this speaks to the heart of it all and that is the excitement of sharing something that you find neat with others in your life who will enjoy it also.  That excitement you felt as a kid when you just had pure joy in your heart for whatever you were doing or whoever you were with and wanted to share that excitement with them is just truly a very neat feeling.    

As we get older there are more stresses on our lives that sometimes drown out that excitement so we try to reclaim it with what we think will makes us happy but sometimes has the opposite affect and we end up with a hallow feeling.  So my suggestion for today is if you need to feel that feeling of giddy excitement just try sharing yourself and what you enjoy with those around you to feel that joy that your inner child wants you to feel always!!

Oh and get a Sing-a-ma-jig…lol

“Patience”

The Book of Qualities (by J. Ruth Gendler) was given to me by my Uncle for Christmas (I think 1990 but it might have been 1991).  I instantly loved this book as it wrote the Qualities out in feelings and showed a special connection between the Qualities.  I still have it and re-read it at least once a year.

Above is my most favorite of all the Qualities and I wanted to post this as a reminder to myself that “Patience” really is one of the most beautiful Qualities we have but we need to remember that beauty needs to be saved for ourselves too… i.e. the “Patience” we show others we also have to have that same “Patience” for ourselves to see the beauty in all that is around.

Open letter to my Godmother with all that has happened this last couple of years...

I have been trying to write this for a while and I keep stalling… I’m not really sure why.  I Love my Godmother so very much (my Godfather too).  They have helped me in more ways than I can say and I look up to them with the same love and admiration that I do my parents.

I guess I just feel like I have let everyone in my life down with who I am.  I had lost 120lbs in two years and within a year I put it back on plus 30lbs.

Everyone does so much for me and I really don’t feel that anything I do is worthy of their praise.  I feel that if I start writing about my year she will see I’m not doing anything with my life other than talking and to put that on paper is hard for me to swallow let alone prove to the people I love that I really am a loser. 

I know this may seem harsh and that I’m being a Debbie downer or that I’m a complainer but that’s part of the issue… I’m not.  I’m Beth the happy go lucky everything will work out if we just all believe and try Watson.  Yes I know its long middle name so my parents just shorted it to Marie…lol

But all joking aside I understand I am a good friend and am there for people when they need the emotional support but I don’t feel that I really contribute to my family other than just being the idiot of the pact… and by idiot I mean simple not much going on.

Looking back I really do love my life, I enjoy who I am and the people around me but I don’t’ have much to show for it as far as “things”.  Now not that I think success should be measured in “things” or my family even judges me like that but I don’t know I still feel bad that I never got a degree and I don’t have a career. 

I’ve been talking about going back to school for the last 6 or 7 years but have done nothing to actually start school back up.  I’m not upset about that I know when the time is right I’ll make it happen but I guess I still feel bad that I move at a slower pace than everyone else…

Sooooooo here it goes… Below is the e-mail I sent and I guess wasn’t as bad as I thought and maybe a good thing to write it all out so I can take a look and see where I want to go from here…

Hello my Dear Sweet Wonderful Godmother! :o)

This is long overdue and my deepest apologies for not having done this sooner.  I would like to thank you first for all that you do and the support you guys have given me my whole life (not just this past year). 

The last couple of years have been a bit of a ride for me and with Yours and Tyler’s help I am getting back on track (albeit slowly I’m still getting there). 

I am back on my meds as of February 2011 and now feel that they are working like they had before.  From April to August I was having a bit of an issue as I was having a lot more anxiety with them but some tweaking of the dosage it has calmed down a lot and I’m back to “normal”… 

For those months though I would find myself having mini panic attacks when I would have to drive (either home from work or to someplace like the store or to go visit friends).

I was also kind of going thru things with John and how our relationship was and I just wanted to hide.  He seemed supportive but didn’t really understand and well there was just really no chemistry between us.  Our relationship had turned into more of a “mothering” roll on my part.  I was trying to change the dynamic back but I found out he was messaging other woman so I ended it and have felt a lot better about myself.

It was the quiet sabotage he was doing that I didn’t’ notice.  But lesson learned and going forward I know I need to listen to my gut and try not to make everything better.  I count myself lucky because it was an easy break up and I haven’t heard from him since so I didn’t have to deal with “ex” drama (Yah for me!!)…lol)

From August to now I have been also seeing a counselor on top of the Psychiatrist as I needed more than just RX refills.  Gaining the weight back in such a short time made me realize that I need someone to talk to about it as the medication was only an aspect (big aspect) but still there are other things to my weight gain. 

I haven’t gotten back in to an exercise and diet routine as of yet.  A couple of false starts but I have faith in myself that I will get there so not too worried.  I just know that it needs to take time and more than the actual weight loss I miss the energy I once had so I’m consecrating on that as a motivation.  We’ll see; all I can do is try that can happen is it doesn’t work and I try something else.  :o)

I’m working on clearing out the clutter in my life (emotional and physical).  I’m planning on moving in February to a place closer to work and friends so I can be more social and save some money. 

One big lesson I learned with John is that I will not move for someone to make their life easier but because I want to be there and it will benefit us both.  He didn’t make me move by any means I mean I needed to move out of Liz’s and be on my own again but I moved with thinking that if I was closer to him then we would be closer emotionally as we could see each other more.  Yep didn’t’ really work out that way so lesson learned.  I’ll be more careful next time. 

Luckily I don’t “have to” move so I can take my time and find someplace closer to friends and work that I will enjoy living for a while.

Sprinkled in between all that there have been good times getting to know Dolli (Bill’s and Mom’s cousin) who contacted Bill thru facebook a couple of years ago and I have been getting to know her family which has been really nice.

I wish I could express how much I love you but my words seem hallow but please know and trust I think of you all the time and just love you so much I can’t wait to be able to see you again and give you a big ole hug!! :o)

I have never forgotten about Paris as I really would love to go.  I’m sorry that I keep having to put it off but know that it is not you it is as they say my life getting in the way of living but I have total faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen and it will be soon! :o)

Big Big Big Hugs!!!!

Please let me know how you are doing and what is going on in your life.

I Love you very much!!

Beth (aka Elizabeth :o)

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY

Remember that if the opportunities for great deeds should never come, the opportunities for good deeds are renewed day by day. The thing for us to long for is the goodness, not the glory.

-- F.W. Faber

This is one of my most favorite sayings.  I have it printed out and hanging up at my desk (see picture below... and yes that is a cow with string cheese pom-poms right below it) but I think this is such a wonderful quote because it reminds us that each day is new and allows the opportunity to be the person who we want to be.

I MAY NOT HAVE GONE WHERE I INTENDED TO GO, BUT I THINK I HAVE ENDED UP WHERE I NEEDED TO BE

The randomness of life and all its vastness will truly always amaze me to no end.  I think the day that it stops will be the day that I have died.

We start out on our journey with a clear vision in mind and then as we move forward that perception changes because of experiences.  We look back periodically and see where we have been, where we are heading, and if we need to change course.  Sometimes though life bring us to a place we have never imagined but will always be eternally grateful for having been brought there.

Right here… Right now… is never where I thought I would be but there is no other place I would rather be.  The Friends I have made along the way and still make is one of the things we cannot plan but is so special not words can even describe how neat it is.  We have to enjoy the people who cross our path for who they are, what they teach us, what they share of themselves with us and know we are richer for having known them.

Each person is a star in our life who we can cherish in a way no other person may understand but to us that sparkling light is what makes our smile wider, our laugh a little bit deeper, and our heart a gazillion times bigger.

Looking at the simple drawing and reading the words of Douglas Adams I can only be humbled by all that is around me and how even for a big girl I can still feel small in a way that makes me feel safe and warm even if I were in an arctic tundra being charged by a polar bear. 

Remember To Breathe

This is one of those songs (for me at least) that is just wonderful done.  The Rhythm, the Rhyme, and the Harmony can bring you to a place where sometimes you need to be.

Whatever is going on in your life you need something or sometimes it is someone who can bring you back to zero.  Give you that moment where you truly “Remember To Breathe”.

There are many things in my life (Friends included) that help me but today my “Remember To Breathe” moment is with this song.

The rhythmic guitar cords, the haunting violin melody mixed with the whispers of voices telling me to “Remember to Breathe” by painting a wonderful picture that it will be O.K.

The powerful way the words are just belted out and come to the crescendo that it will be alright always gives me goose bumps.

For a mind that is contently going this song helps me just relax and listen to not only the words, the music, but to my heart, mind, and soul as well.

I Love when life reminds me with a song that I have the answers within me I just need to “Remember to Breath”

Dashboard Confessional – Remember To Breathe