PERIPHERAL VISION

Early morning coffee with a Friend today the subject of Peripheral Vision came up.  I was saying the reason I don’t care for glasses are because I am not able to use my peripheral vision and he countered with most people don’t use theirs.

I gave him the “Awe sweetie you don’t know me very well do you?” look and told him that I definitively use my peripheral vision and have all my life (fined tuned it thru the years). 

As he really doesn’t know me very well he (understandably) doubted me maybe just thinking I was being funny or trying to impress him.

Having given me a little test he was surprised when I was able to see him (holding up two fingers) too what he thought would be just outside my peripheral vision without moving my head.  I was able to see one finger then could tell, by how he was holding his hand (thumb holding down two fingers) that there was only one other finger next to the one I could see.

Again surprised by my super awesome abilities (paraphrasing of course…lol) that I was able to see I told him (maybe have been a bad thing saying anything) but told him as a fat girl I learned not to move my head when I heard people making rude noises directed towards me (Mooooo) or just blatantly making fun of me.  I learned to see who it was without moving my head or body so I knew who to avoid.

Saying this out loud I thought made me sound a little bit “sad” in so far as I’m a 36 year old woman who still has people making cow sounds around her and that these sounds still get to me.

Yes I should have a tougher skin and not care as these people are just being jerks and if they bothered to get to know me they of course would love me ;o) but then listening to how he stood up for himself, his family and others who were being picked on around him made me think of why I don’t have a tougher skin.

I’m “emotional” for lack of a better word and “feel” in me others disappointment they have for who I am.  Growing up I had awesome parents and family that of course would support me and made me feel loved but I never had that someone stand up for me (fight my fight if you will). 

I (like I am sure countless others) have had to and still do find ways to avoid confrontation… i.e. we don’t talk back or physically hit the person or people who are making fun of us or causing (whether they know it or not) emotional damage.  Always being aware and having to protect yourself is exhausting and really can wear a person down over time. 

Now this may seem like I am saying “Awe poor me, I’ve had such a tuff life because people make fun of me” but please don’t read it as such. 

What I am trying to convey is and what this whole conversation made me realize is 1. I still need to suck it up and not be so emotional… but 2. I maybe as an Adult don’t need to keep thinking of how I need to protect myself but open myself up more… Move my head around, flash my pearly whites, smile at those who are being jerk faces…  Show them (and myself) that using the old coping (knee jerk) mechanisms needs to stop and I need to get out of my own “Peripheral Vision” and know that the world is not as scary as I sometimes feel it is…

Open letter to my Godmother with all that has happened this last couple of years...

I have been trying to write this for a while and I keep stalling… I’m not really sure why.  I Love my Godmother so very much (my Godfather too).  They have helped me in more ways than I can say and I look up to them with the same love and admiration that I do my parents.

I guess I just feel like I have let everyone in my life down with who I am.  I had lost 120lbs in two years and within a year I put it back on plus 30lbs.

Everyone does so much for me and I really don’t feel that anything I do is worthy of their praise.  I feel that if I start writing about my year she will see I’m not doing anything with my life other than talking and to put that on paper is hard for me to swallow let alone prove to the people I love that I really am a loser. 

I know this may seem harsh and that I’m being a Debbie downer or that I’m a complainer but that’s part of the issue… I’m not.  I’m Beth the happy go lucky everything will work out if we just all believe and try Watson.  Yes I know its long middle name so my parents just shorted it to Marie…lol

But all joking aside I understand I am a good friend and am there for people when they need the emotional support but I don’t feel that I really contribute to my family other than just being the idiot of the pact… and by idiot I mean simple not much going on.

Looking back I really do love my life, I enjoy who I am and the people around me but I don’t’ have much to show for it as far as “things”.  Now not that I think success should be measured in “things” or my family even judges me like that but I don’t know I still feel bad that I never got a degree and I don’t have a career. 

I’ve been talking about going back to school for the last 6 or 7 years but have done nothing to actually start school back up.  I’m not upset about that I know when the time is right I’ll make it happen but I guess I still feel bad that I move at a slower pace than everyone else…

Sooooooo here it goes… Below is the e-mail I sent and I guess wasn’t as bad as I thought and maybe a good thing to write it all out so I can take a look and see where I want to go from here…

Hello my Dear Sweet Wonderful Godmother! :o)

This is long overdue and my deepest apologies for not having done this sooner.  I would like to thank you first for all that you do and the support you guys have given me my whole life (not just this past year). 

The last couple of years have been a bit of a ride for me and with Yours and Tyler’s help I am getting back on track (albeit slowly I’m still getting there). 

I am back on my meds as of February 2011 and now feel that they are working like they had before.  From April to August I was having a bit of an issue as I was having a lot more anxiety with them but some tweaking of the dosage it has calmed down a lot and I’m back to “normal”… 

For those months though I would find myself having mini panic attacks when I would have to drive (either home from work or to someplace like the store or to go visit friends).

I was also kind of going thru things with John and how our relationship was and I just wanted to hide.  He seemed supportive but didn’t really understand and well there was just really no chemistry between us.  Our relationship had turned into more of a “mothering” roll on my part.  I was trying to change the dynamic back but I found out he was messaging other woman so I ended it and have felt a lot better about myself.

It was the quiet sabotage he was doing that I didn’t’ notice.  But lesson learned and going forward I know I need to listen to my gut and try not to make everything better.  I count myself lucky because it was an easy break up and I haven’t heard from him since so I didn’t have to deal with “ex” drama (Yah for me!!)…lol)

From August to now I have been also seeing a counselor on top of the Psychiatrist as I needed more than just RX refills.  Gaining the weight back in such a short time made me realize that I need someone to talk to about it as the medication was only an aspect (big aspect) but still there are other things to my weight gain. 

I haven’t gotten back in to an exercise and diet routine as of yet.  A couple of false starts but I have faith in myself that I will get there so not too worried.  I just know that it needs to take time and more than the actual weight loss I miss the energy I once had so I’m consecrating on that as a motivation.  We’ll see; all I can do is try that can happen is it doesn’t work and I try something else.  :o)

I’m working on clearing out the clutter in my life (emotional and physical).  I’m planning on moving in February to a place closer to work and friends so I can be more social and save some money. 

One big lesson I learned with John is that I will not move for someone to make their life easier but because I want to be there and it will benefit us both.  He didn’t make me move by any means I mean I needed to move out of Liz’s and be on my own again but I moved with thinking that if I was closer to him then we would be closer emotionally as we could see each other more.  Yep didn’t’ really work out that way so lesson learned.  I’ll be more careful next time. 

Luckily I don’t “have to” move so I can take my time and find someplace closer to friends and work that I will enjoy living for a while.

Sprinkled in between all that there have been good times getting to know Dolli (Bill’s and Mom’s cousin) who contacted Bill thru facebook a couple of years ago and I have been getting to know her family which has been really nice.

I wish I could express how much I love you but my words seem hallow but please know and trust I think of you all the time and just love you so much I can’t wait to be able to see you again and give you a big ole hug!! :o)

I have never forgotten about Paris as I really would love to go.  I’m sorry that I keep having to put it off but know that it is not you it is as they say my life getting in the way of living but I have total faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen and it will be soon! :o)

Big Big Big Hugs!!!!

Please let me know how you are doing and what is going on in your life.

I Love you very much!!

Beth (aka Elizabeth :o)

Throughout my whole life I have always been afraid of losing the people I love...

You know when you run across something that speaks to you it has a way of making you reexamine your current situation and look back at your past to see what you can do differently now?

Well the saying above has done that.   My for most of my life I have always been afraid of losing the people that I love and for me that is most everyone I meet.  I try to act how I think they want me act in order not to make them angry and then leave.  Anger is one emotion I still have a problem with as I just shut down and can’t respond or my response it to try to make everything OK so the person is no longer angry (even if the anger is not directed at me).  

But over the last few years I have had this sadness that because I have lived my life this way then I don’t know who the real me is.  If I don’t know who the real me is then there is no one out there that does either and how would anyone be afraid of losing me when there is no me to lose?

How do you go about finding yourself when you are not sure what it is about you that you lost when you don’t know what “you” is or even means.

"Hello my name is Beth I'm 36 years (young :op) & yes I want my Mommy!!!!”

O.K. so I’m a bit whinny today because a person can only take so much.  Yes I’m a responsible adult who takes care of me but there are times (like now) when I do so long for the care that a Mother gives you when you are sick.  She holds a cold cloth to your head to keep your brain from boiling, uses words to sooth an aching tummy, and rubs lotion on your back to reduce your fever.  The wonderful home remedies that no RX would ever be able to replace.

I do miss my parents every day and wish they didn’t live so far away (or I didn’t live so far away) but when you’re sick it’s a bit more amplified and well forgive me for being selfish for a moment to just want to be back in her care and feel the love that heals!  I mean really… nose, fluids, more than the Hoover Dam can hold...just say'n... :o)