Monday, December 19, 2011

Open letter to my Godmother with all that has happened this last couple of years...

I have been trying to write this for a while and I keep stalling… I’m not really sure why.  I Love my Godmother so very much (my Godfather too).  They have helped me in more ways than I can say and I look up to them with the same love and admiration that I do my parents.
I guess I just feel like I have let everyone in my life down with who I am.  I had lost 120lbs in two years and within a year I put it back on plus 30lbs.
Everyone does so much for me and I really don’t feel that anything I do is worthy of their praise.  I feel that if I start writing about my year she will see I’m not doing anything with my life other than talking and to put that on paper is hard for me to swallow let alone prove to the people I love that I really am a loser. 
I know this may seem harsh and that I’m being a Debbie downer or that I’m a complainer but that’s part of the issue… I’m not.  I’m Beth the happy go lucky everything will work out if we just all believe and try Watson.  Yes I know its long middle name so my parents just shorted it to Marie…lol
But all joking aside I understand I am a good friend and am there for people when they need the emotional support but I don’t feel that I really contribute to my family other than just being the idiot of the pact… and by idiot I mean simple not much going on.
Looking back I really do love my life, I enjoy who I am and the people around me but I don’t’ have much to show for it as far as “things”.  Now not that I think success should be measured in “things” or my family even judges me like that but I don’t know I still feel bad that I never got a degree and I don’t have a career. 
I’ve been talking about going back to school for the last 6 or 7 years but have done nothing to actually start school back up.  I’m not upset about that I know when the time is right I’ll make it happen but I guess I still feel bad that I move at a slower pace than everyone else…
Sooooooo here it goes… Below is the e-mail I sent and I guess wasn’t as bad as I thought and maybe a good thing to write it all out so I can take a look and see where I want to go from here…

Hello my Dear Sweet Wonderful Godmother! :o)
This is long overdue and my deepest apologies for not having done this sooner.  I would like to thank you first for all that you do and the support you guys have given me my whole life (not just this past year). 
The last couple of years have been a bit of a ride for me and with Yours and Tyler’s help I am getting back on track (albeit slowly I’m still getting there). 
I am back on my meds as of February 2011 and now feel that they are working like they had before.  From April to August I was having a bit of an issue as I was having a lot more anxiety with them but some tweaking of the dosage it has calmed down a lot and I’m back to “normal”… 
For those months though I would find myself having mini panic attacks when I would have to drive (either home from work or to someplace like the store or to go visit friends).
I was also kind of going thru things with John and how our relationship was and I just wanted to hide.  He seemed supportive but didn’t really understand and well there was just really no chemistry between us.  Our relationship had turned into more of a “mothering” roll on my part.  I was trying to change the dynamic back but I found out he was messaging other woman so I ended it and have felt a lot better about myself.
It was the quiet sabotage he was doing that I didn’t’ notice.  But lesson learned and going forward I know I need to listen to my gut and try not to make everything better.  I count myself lucky because it was an easy break up and I haven’t heard from him since so I didn’t have to deal with “ex” drama (Yah for me!!)…lol)
From August to now I have been also seeing a counselor on top of the Psychiatrist as I needed more than just RX refills.  Gaining the weight back in such a short time made me realize that I need someone to talk to about it as the medication was only an aspect (big aspect) but still there are other things to my weight gain. 
I haven’t gotten back in to an exercise and diet routine as of yet.  A couple of false starts but I have faith in myself that I will get there so not too worried.  I just know that it needs to take time and more than the actual weight loss I miss the energy I once had so I’m consecrating on that as a motivation.  We’ll see; all I can do is try that can happen is it doesn’t work and I try something else.  :o)
I’m working on clearing out the clutter in my life (emotional and physical).  I’m planning on moving in February to a place closer to work and friends so I can be more social and save some money. 
One big lesson I learned with John is that I will not move for someone to make their life easier but because I want to be there and it will benefit us both.  He didn’t make me move by any means I mean I needed to move out of Liz’s and be on my own again but I moved with thinking that if I was closer to him then we would be closer emotionally as we could see each other more.  Yep didn’t’ really work out that way so lesson learned.  I’ll be more careful next time. 
Luckily I don’t “have to” move so I can take my time and find someplace closer to friends and work that I will enjoy living for a while.
Sprinkled in between all that there have been good times getting to know Dolli (Bill’s and Mom’s cousin) who contacted Bill thru facebook a couple of years ago and I have been getting to know her family which has been really nice.
I wish I could express how much I love you but my words seem hallow but please know and trust I think of you all the time and just love you so much I can’t wait to be able to see you again and give you a big ole hug!! :o)
I have never forgotten about Paris as I really would love to go.  I’m sorry that I keep having to put it off but know that it is not you it is as they say my life getting in the way of living but I have total faith that it will happen when it is meant to happen and it will be soon! :o)
Big Big Big Hugs!!!!
Please let me know how you are doing and what is going on in your life.
I Love you very much!!
Beth (aka Elizabeth :o)

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