Thursday, August 17, 2017

I tripped, I fell, I laid on the ground

I tripped, I fell, I laid on the ground looking at the sky and now I’m back up again.  After a 5 day “bender” I am back on the IP wagon.  I learned (what I’ve always know) is I am an addict;  My addiction  hurts no one but myself as it’s not drugs or alcohol but food that I am addicted to.  I thought I could “cheat” here and there but it turned in to almost a full blown “eat all the things” scenario.

I would like to say my lesson is learned but I’m not super confident in myself to say that I have.  I know that I will try to stick to protocol but being around food is hard sometimes.  I’ve asked by boyfriend to hide his sweets but I still know they are there.  My mind fixates and the amount of energy to not think about food is what drains me.  I am reminding myself Today starts Today but each day I need to keep in mind what I am and how can I change my mind set. I don’t know what the answer is…yet but I am back on my way of finding out. 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Change is here and I am ready

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers sang that “The waiting is the hardest part” but it’s not the waiting it’s the change.  We all have different factors in our lives that motivate us to change.  Some have life events that thrust them into that change.  Others have the will to and foresight to see that they need to change to be who they want to be and then there are people like me.  I see the change that is needed but there has always been this wall that no matter what I tried I could not get over or break thru. 
That has changed in the last few weeks, I have admitted I needed help and have gone after that help.  This is the change that was so hard for me for so long.  I wanted to be strong enough to do this on my own but really I was just hurting myself and not realizing why. 
Change is here and I am ready and doing the work but it is still hard and that is why Today starts today because the change comes from within.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

You can do anything, but not everything

“You can do anything, but not everything.”
~ David Allen

This quote was at the bottom of one of the daily IP videos and it really struck home.  Today starts today and I can only get done what I can do.  I know I need to push myself more than I have been but I have to remember that I can’t do everything (which is what my mind wants me to do).

This past weekend was my Birthday and I did not have any cake or sweets but what I did have was new hope.  I received a very cute shirt from two of my very Best Friends and although it was still a 6x it was lose and showed me that 1. I still have a long way to go, but 2. I can do it.  Slow but sure I will be who I know I can be!!  

Monday, July 31, 2017

I still feel uncomfortable of Love

We do things for ourselves but part of that is wanting to make sure those we love are proud of us.  We want to be the people we think they deserve to have in their lives.  Because of my weight I have never felt like I am deserving of love.  I know my parents, godparents, and uncle love me unconditionally but they are such amazing people that I never felt deserving of their love.  I have tried and failed so many times to be who I know they want me to be but I fail because I never did it for me.
I still feel uncomfortable of Love; my boyfriend is amazing but doesn’t see it.  When I tell him this he rolls his eyes and thinks I’m just being nice.  I know some of this is because if his own self esteem issues but some of it I can’t help think is because it’s coming from me.  If this was coming from someone more successful or pretty or smarter he would believe and know how amazing he is!! 
The same thing with my mother; I tried for so long to help her with her mental health issues that it drained every last drop of energy that I had.  I finally was so drained that I knew I had to step away or I would no longer exist.  Again if I was a better person I would have been able to help; my opinion, my words would have meant something to her to take to heart and get the help see needs but this never happened. 
I know in my mind both of these instances are not about me but the people themselves and them needing to know they are loved and feel worthy but I still feel in my heart that if I wasn’t me then people in my life would take what I say to heart more than a simple eye roll.

“Today starts today” is what I am doing for myself to make sure I am a better person and intern know that I am worthy of the love that has been given to me.  I am hoping this will also help with peoples who love me to see me as someone they can count on and rely on for support as they have supported me.  

Friday, July 28, 2017

Lightness has a call that's hard to hear

Lying in bed last night the lights off the ceiling fan going and the vertical blinds rippling in waves from the fan my mind went to the line from the Indigo Girls song Closer to Find “Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. 
Why is it so easy to go to the dark place first?  Because it’s EASY.  Easy is warm, Easy is safe, Easy is nice and in a world of mean we need that nice even if that nice is a false hood. 
Each day is a struggle for most of us who understand that “darkness has a hunger that's insatiable; and lightness has a call that's hard to hear”. We struggle with the hope we feel but the despair we see. 

I had a point when I started this post but now I’m lost in the music so I hope you are able to get lost in the music as well and can hear the light louder and louder the more you get lost.  

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Time melts into itself

Today starts Today is what I keep telling myself but looking back I see how time melts into itself.  Days, Weeks, Years go by and I don’t know what I was doing.  Depression robs so many people of life without killing them.  Everyone is different and we all live with struggles but it is so sad when depression and anxiety takes you out of life. In the blink of an eye you are 10 years past where you thought you would be.  Each day you struggle just to survive to the next and you end up numb.  My path has shifted and the mind is clearing a bit so I can see thru the haze but I know I will always have to fight from sinking back into the abyss that claims so many of us.    

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Tomorrow will come when it comes

Last week I gained a pound; this week I am not sure if I will have lost any.  I see with the group that I follow and my own feelings that this will be a struggle.  One that I will have to make sure I am present for and not just faking my way thru.  Each decision changes what can be a loss or a gain.  Each decision will change me for the better or will show me that I am still falling back into my old routine.  It’s been a little less than a month so I know this will be a long journey, I need to make sure I keep this in mind each day.  Today starts today is repetitive but it needs to be until it is second nature.  I need to remind myself that today is what I am living and tomorrow will come when it comes.