Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Strength in others is amazing to see

I was able to see my Godparents for the first time in over 17 years.  We’ve been on contact thru e-mails, calls, and cards thru the years but it is not the same as putting your arms around someone, hugging them and looking into their eyes to see the love they have for you and hope they see the love you have for them. 
It was a very humbling trip… I knew my Godparents were strong, physically, mentally, spiritually.  But I now have a whole new found Love and Respect to see that strength played out in the darkest of times. 
When life is not what you thought it would be, when you work all your life so you can enjoy your golden years and they end up being something so far from where you wanted to be.
The Love they have for each other is amazing to see.  The Strength each of them gives each other is something that leaves me at a loss for words.

I wish more could be done but letting them know I am here for when they need me is all that can be done.  I will continue my road ahead trying to keep in mind the strength I see in both of them.   

Friday, April 27, 2018

Comfortable with the choice I make for me

It has been a little over a month and I’m still wearing jeans but I have not lost a lot of weight (I have not gained either so I’m putting this under the win column).  Some of it is food choices, some of it is body chemistry (getting backed up…) some of it is stress. 
Counseling is helping (a lot) but it is also showing me how much I stuffed down with food.  Now that I am trying not to do that anymore I am left to face what I have run away from for so long.  I know that I can’t share the specifics with anyone (my choice) but learning to face what I don’t want to face is… I’m not sure if I can even find the words to say what it means to be fully truthful, even if it’s just with one person (yourself).  
Letting out what you have held in for so long is very freeing.  It is no longer something I need to hide from myself.  I can acknowledge it and move on. 
I’m going to be 43 this year and maybe should have done this earlier in my life but I can’t roll back the clock.  I can only move forward and be comfortable with the choice I make for me.  This is scary as all my life choices I made where made with others in mind.  Don’t get me wrong I will still put the ones I Love first as I think it’s who some of us are but there are people who I no longer need to make my choices around.  We are all adults and living for me is new and still stumbling thru what works best but I know I am loved and that helps me learn to love me.  

Friday, March 23, 2018

Today I wore jeans to work

Today I wore jeans to work… I wore jeans yesterday as well.  It has been 8 years since I have worn jeans.  I tried a couple of months ago but they were a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable.  Today (and yesterday) I was happy, I had “big girl” pants on and I could breath and sit and not feel like a blob.  I still have 120lbs to lose but today I work jeans to work and it feels great!

Friday, March 2, 2018

I need to learn how to not let it win…

It’s been about 8 months that I have been on ideal Protein and have lost a total of 99 lbs.  Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my Father’s death and it hit me hard.  I try so hard to let go of him so I don’t feel like I’m keeping him bound to this planes of existence. 
I feel he suffered so much in life that I want his energy to be free.  I want to feel like he is happy but I miss him so much that it hurts my heart, my soul to know that I will never hear his laughter again.  I will never be able to introduce him face to face to the Man that I love. I will never hug him again and I can’t stand the pain of this loss. 
I stuff it down with food to stop the emotional pain, emotional pain is hard for me to handle and the pain of filling myself physically to the point of feeling stuffed quelches this pain… not for very long but it gives me a moment or two of not feeling that deep pain that takes your breath away.

How do you let the pain of loss go without forgetting, without letting it harden you, without letting it consume you?

Food can’t get rid of it.  My drug of choice causes more pain as it lets me know when I think I have a handle on it that I don’t.  Food still is what makes the hurt stop for even a moment or two. 

I’m emotionally drained and feel defeated in this moment because I let food win.  I know I will pick myself up and move forward but it will be with the knowledge that food still can consume me and that is a scary thought.  I need to learn how to not let it win…   

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Today Starts Today...Again

So the last three months I have really not done well.  As you can see from my last post I tried to recommit at the beginning of the year but did not do very well.  I have been gaining and losing the same 20 lbs.  I have started counseling again as I really cannot tackle my eating issue on my own.  I have been living another person’s life It feels like (depression does that to you) but I am missing out on what I feel is really important in life (being there for the ones I Love).  
I know I can’t make up for years lost but I can try to make the years left a life that makes me happy.  I know the change will not happen overnight but I need to take control of my life and not be so afraid.  I’ve included a little time line picture to show my progress.  

This is what 90 lbs lost with 150 lbs left to lose looks like.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

I can only go forward

I have decided to recommit; this last week I have gone off the rails and I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted and how much I wanted without feeling bad about my decision.  I say this but I do/did feel bad but I was drained of energy and my caring for myself level was at an all-time low so I admit I just did not care enough to want to be healthy.
But I am done not caring, I have learned as I always do that I need to care, I cannot not care it’s just not within me to not care. 
Going forward I need to work on caring in productive ways though so I do not get to a low level and just throw my hands up and undo all the hard work I’ve done for the last six months.

Today Starts Today and I can only go forward.  

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Talking To Wolves

So the last couple of months have been challenging.  Just when I think I have this down I fall off, then back on, then back off.  I am hopeful as today I am 90lbs gone in 5 ½ months.  I would like to make my 6th month weigh in be 100lbs gone but that’s only two weeks away and Yule/Christmas still have to be navigated.  The good thing is I have a lot of support, the bad thing is I don’t want to let everyone down and that adds stress which makes me want to eat… Ugh…. Right now just Ugh.  I know I got this but still the fact that it is an everyday struggle sometimes makes it hard to sleep and getting my mind to shut off is all I want for the Holidays. Today Starts Today and all I can do is remind myself to try and suck a little less then I did the day before.