Friday, March 23, 2018

Today I wore jeans to work

Today I wore jeans to work… I wore jeans yesterday as well.  It has been 8 years since I have worn jeans.  I tried a couple of months ago but they were a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable.  Today (and yesterday) I was happy, I had “big girl” pants on and I could breath and sit and not feel like a blob.  I still have 120lbs to lose but today I work jeans to work and it feels great!

Friday, March 2, 2018

I need to learn how to not let it win…

It’s been about 8 months that I have been on ideal Protein and have lost a total of 99 lbs.  Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my Father’s death and it hit me hard.  I try so hard to let go of him so I don’t feel like I’m keeping him bound to this planes of existence. 
I feel he suffered so much in life that I want his energy to be free.  I want to feel like he is happy but I miss him so much that it hurts my heart, my soul to know that I will never hear his laughter again.  I will never be able to introduce him face to face to the Man that I love. I will never hug him again and I can’t stand the pain of this loss. 
I stuff it down with food to stop the emotional pain, emotional pain is hard for me to handle and the pain of filling myself physically to the point of feeling stuffed quelches this pain… not for very long but it gives me a moment or two of not feeling that deep pain that takes your breath away.

How do you let the pain of loss go without forgetting, without letting it harden you, without letting it consume you?

Food can’t get rid of it.  My drug of choice causes more pain as it lets me know when I think I have a handle on it that I don’t.  Food still is what makes the hurt stop for even a moment or two. 

I’m emotionally drained and feel defeated in this moment because I let food win.  I know I will pick myself up and move forward but it will be with the knowledge that food still can consume me and that is a scary thought.  I need to learn how to not let it win…   

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Today Starts Today...Again

So the last three months I have really not done well.  As you can see from my last post I tried to recommit at the beginning of the year but did not do very well.  I have been gaining and losing the same 20 lbs.  I have started counseling again as I really cannot tackle my eating issue on my own.  I have been living another person’s life It feels like (depression does that to you) but I am missing out on what I feel is really important in life (being there for the ones I Love).  
I know I can’t make up for years lost but I can try to make the years left a life that makes me happy.  I know the change will not happen overnight but I need to take control of my life and not be so afraid.  I’ve included a little time line picture to show my progress.  

This is what 90 lbs lost with 150 lbs left to lose looks like.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

I can only go forward

I have decided to recommit; this last week I have gone off the rails and I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted and how much I wanted without feeling bad about my decision.  I say this but I do/did feel bad but I was drained of energy and my caring for myself level was at an all-time low so I admit I just did not care enough to want to be healthy.
But I am done not caring, I have learned as I always do that I need to care, I cannot not care it’s just not within me to not care. 
Going forward I need to work on caring in productive ways though so I do not get to a low level and just throw my hands up and undo all the hard work I’ve done for the last six months.

Today Starts Today and I can only go forward.  

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Talking To Wolves

So the last couple of months have been challenging.  Just when I think I have this down I fall off, then back on, then back off.  I am hopeful as today I am 90lbs gone in 5 ½ months.  I would like to make my 6th month weigh in be 100lbs gone but that’s only two weeks away and Yule/Christmas still have to be navigated.  The good thing is I have a lot of support, the bad thing is I don’t want to let everyone down and that adds stress which makes me want to eat… Ugh…. Right now just Ugh.  I know I got this but still the fact that it is an everyday struggle sometimes makes it hard to sleep and getting my mind to shut off is all I want for the Holidays. Today Starts Today and all I can do is remind myself to try and suck a little less then I did the day before.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day...

“You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day.  Just relax.  Master the day.  Then just keep doing that every day.”

This is so needed right now.  I am struggling with not over eating.  Each day seems to be harder than the past day and it is exhausting mentally and physically trying to stay on protocol.  I wish there was a switch to turn that part of my brain off.  I know I cannot fight this on my own so today I reached out to make an appointment with my old counselor to see if she is still available to help me. 
I dislike how weak this makes me feel.  How do you explain to people that you can’t just put food out of your mind.  This was (is) my coping mechanism for life’s stresses, for 35 years of my life… yes I started stressing about life when I was 7…maybe even before but I don’t have the best memory when it comes to my childhood.

BUT I can no longer feed the booboo because it hurts me too.  Go for a walk they say, but while I walk my brain obsesses on food.  Take a shower they say, but while I’m in the shower my brain obsesses on food.  They only time I can shut my brain off is watching tv or sleeping.  I try to read by my retention is horrible.  I read a whole chapter and cannot tell you what I just read so it is frustrating and makes me not want to read plus guess what happens when I read… my brain obsesses on food.

How can I get my mind to relax that is the question for the day.  

Thursday, October 19, 2017

NSV (Non Scale Victory)

So today I had my first significant NSV (Non Scale Victory) at work. Thursdays are my travel day when I go in and make my appearance at the big show (aka Merrimack).  Very pretty drive, just long, so I’m glad to only have to make it once a week.  But when the weather is nice Julie and I sit outside for our lunch time catch up.  The chairs outside are wrought iron and wide but I always had to squeeze into them and my fat would poke out the sides.  Today I was able to slide into them and no spillage.  It was a very nice feeling as it’s hard to see my progress when I am still so big.  It was great to sit in the sun, enjoy my talk with a Friend and not worry about how I must look like a stuffed sausage in the chair.  Marking a big Woo Hoo in the win column for today!