Thursday, February 1, 2018

Today Starts Today...Again

So the last three months I have really not done well.  As you can see from my last post I tried to recommit at the beginning of the year but did not do very well.  I have been gaining and losing the same 20 lbs.  I have started counseling again as I really cannot tackle my eating issue on my own.  I have been living another person’s life It feels like (depression does that to you) but I am missing out on what I feel is really important in life (being there for the ones I Love).  
I know I can’t make up for years lost but I can try to make the years left a life that makes me happy.  I know the change will not happen overnight but I need to take control of my life and not be so afraid.  I’ve included a little time line picture to show my progress.  

This is what 90 lbs lost with 150 lbs left to lose looks like.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

I can only go forward

I have decided to recommit; this last week I have gone off the rails and I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted and how much I wanted without feeling bad about my decision.  I say this but I do/did feel bad but I was drained of energy and my caring for myself level was at an all-time low so I admit I just did not care enough to want to be healthy.
But I am done not caring, I have learned as I always do that I need to care, I cannot not care it’s just not within me to not care. 
Going forward I need to work on caring in productive ways though so I do not get to a low level and just throw my hands up and undo all the hard work I’ve done for the last six months.

Today Starts Today and I can only go forward.  

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Talking To Wolves

So the last couple of months have been challenging.  Just when I think I have this down I fall off, then back on, then back off.  I am hopeful as today I am 90lbs gone in 5 ½ months.  I would like to make my 6th month weigh in be 100lbs gone but that’s only two weeks away and Yule/Christmas still have to be navigated.  The good thing is I have a lot of support, the bad thing is I don’t want to let everyone down and that adds stress which makes me want to eat… Ugh…. Right now just Ugh.  I know I got this but still the fact that it is an everyday struggle sometimes makes it hard to sleep and getting my mind to shut off is all I want for the Holidays. Today Starts Today and all I can do is remind myself to try and suck a little less then I did the day before.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day...

“You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day.  Just relax.  Master the day.  Then just keep doing that every day.”

This is so needed right now.  I am struggling with not over eating.  Each day seems to be harder than the past day and it is exhausting mentally and physically trying to stay on protocol.  I wish there was a switch to turn that part of my brain off.  I know I cannot fight this on my own so today I reached out to make an appointment with my old counselor to see if she is still available to help me. 
I dislike how weak this makes me feel.  How do you explain to people that you can’t just put food out of your mind.  This was (is) my coping mechanism for life’s stresses, for 35 years of my life… yes I started stressing about life when I was 7…maybe even before but I don’t have the best memory when it comes to my childhood.

BUT I can no longer feed the booboo because it hurts me too.  Go for a walk they say, but while I walk my brain obsesses on food.  Take a shower they say, but while I’m in the shower my brain obsesses on food.  They only time I can shut my brain off is watching tv or sleeping.  I try to read by my retention is horrible.  I read a whole chapter and cannot tell you what I just read so it is frustrating and makes me not want to read plus guess what happens when I read… my brain obsesses on food.

How can I get my mind to relax that is the question for the day.  

Thursday, October 19, 2017

NSV (Non Scale Victory)

So today I had my first significant NSV (Non Scale Victory) at work. Thursdays are my travel day when I go in and make my appearance at the big show (aka Merrimack).  Very pretty drive, just long, so I’m glad to only have to make it once a week.  But when the weather is nice Julie and I sit outside for our lunch time catch up.  The chairs outside are wrought iron and wide but I always had to squeeze into them and my fat would poke out the sides.  Today I was able to slide into them and no spillage.  It was a very nice feeling as it’s hard to see my progress when I am still so big.  It was great to sit in the sun, enjoy my talk with a Friend and not worry about how I must look like a stuffed sausage in the chair.  Marking a big Woo Hoo in the win column for today!    

Monday, October 9, 2017

Being of Good Health

September was a month of activity, sun, and slower weight loss.  I did lose 18 lbs but struggled to eat all my veggies and had to take a two week sabbatical from salad as I was in lettuce over load.  I am back on track with veggies and salad (but just 4 days a week for salad). 

That being said October will be a changeling month, I have events every Saturday this month which means I will be around good food.  This last Saturday was good, we had a taco bar for our Helið Fægening (Being of Good Health) and I stayed on protocol even though the smells were amazing.

I am still struggling with reminding myself that “Today Starts Today” but also building healthy habits to sustain my weight loss so I do not go back to gaining.  Each day is different and if something doesn’t work I know I have tried and will just need to try something else till I find what works for me.    

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Turn to Love

They say love is pain... they say love is kind.... they say love can save you... But Love can only do what you allow it to do. If you let love in it will save you. If you lock it out because of the pain it causes then it will always cause you pain. When you let love be love then the kindness that is always needed follows. 
I have no proof that these statements are true but I  know when I am feeling lost it is because I am keeping love out.
I look back and I see the wrong turns I have made in life were because I was trying to keep the pain of love away. The right turns I made in life were always in loves direction.