It’s been about 8 months that I have been on ideal Protein and have lost a total of 99 lbs. Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my Father’s death and it hit me hard. I try so hard to let go of him so I don’t feel like I’m keeping him bound to this planes of existence.
I feel he suffered so much in life that I want his energy to be free. I want to feel like he is happy but I miss him so much that it hurts my heart, my soul to know that I will never hear his laughter again. I will never be able to introduce him face to face to the Man that I love. I will never hug him again and I can’t stand the pain of this loss.
I stuff it down with food to stop the emotional pain, emotional pain is hard for me to handle and the pain of filling myself physically to the point of feeling stuffed quelches this pain… not for very long but it gives me a moment or two of not feeling that deep pain that takes your breath away.
How do you let the pain of loss go without forgetting, without letting it harden you, without letting it consume you?
Food can’t get rid of it. My drug of choice causes more pain as it lets me know when I think I have a handle on it that I don’t. Food still is what makes the hurt stop for even a moment or two.
I’m emotionally drained and feel defeated in this moment because I let food win. I know I will pick myself up and move forward but it will be with the knowledge that food still can consume me and that is a scary thought. I need to learn how to not let it win…