Fearless (not now but maybe someday)

“Sometimes I’m afraid when I you go”…. No actually I’m afraid all the time.  I have been for the last few years as I can no longer keep down what I have been trying to suppress most of my life.  I’m getting to the point of mental exhaustion as my one go to (food) brings more pain than comfort. 

The majority of my life has been spent trying not to make people mad (mother, father, brother, friends, general people around me) but I don’t have the energy anymore to keep down the trauma from my past.  I know how it will hurt everyone but I’m tried, I’m so so tired.  It will not be shared with anyone but my counselor but it needs to be shared.  I need to let it out.   

I want to be fearless again, I want to be free from this hurt, I want to know, to believe that it wasn’t my fault and as a child with no voice lost in a land of anger I want to not be afraid that me just being me won’t make people mad.

I feel stupid and weak saying this as a grown adult in her 40s but if I had had the strength before I would have done this sooner.  I didn’t so I just kept pushing it all down.  Drowning it in food and self-loathing.  It was easier to deny or make excuses.  Now I can’t... There is no place left to hide and I have no energy left to look for another hiding place.

I don’t know what this means going forward?  Medication for anxiety, counseling, forgiveness, a new normal, re learning how to make a safe place for myself.  Again more questions than answers but I will keep asking these questions until I find the answers that make me fearless again.      

I am sorry that I’m not sober right now…

I have no excuses for all these good byes: Call me when it’s over and myself has reappeared: I don’t know why I do it every time, it’s only when I’m lonely:

These are some of the words from Demi Lovato’s song Sober. 

It is very hard to live with addiction (drink, drugs, food, shopping, sex…) but any type of addiction is a symptom of mental health that has gone unchecked.  Gone unchecked for years as you thought you can handle life.  But it turns out what you were handling was surviving, you have only been surviving from day to day, this is not living.  There are moments that you have lived but daily life all you can do is survive to the next day and go from there.   

You can be surrounded by Love and know in your mind you are loved but when you feel at your core that you are not worthy of this Love it messes with your perception of life and how you function.  The worst part is no one can tell you any different.  You are the one who has to come to terms of your own Worthiness. 

You have to as an adult use your heart, your mind, your very soul and make your way thru all the hurt of past wrongs and work at moving forward each day.  For most of us this will be a life’s long journey.  We will wade thru the shit that happened to us and try to move forward.  It hard when you keep pushing down the hurt.  Thinking you can deal with in in your own away but your own way is what is hurting you.  You are using old habits that you maybe grew up with using to not let out what you have kept inside for so long. 

I have no excuses...  I have reason as to why I have done what I have done but I can’t make excuses for my addiction, I’m am fully conscious that I am on the slow moving addition train and some days I’m able to jump off and let it get further away from me where as other days I have no energy so I hop on the car that is closest and just ride for a while.  Waiting for the energy to come back so I can jump off and maybe get a little bit further away.  I don’t have any answers yet.  I do have a little bit of peace because I have been able to be honest and acknowledge that I have more issue that need to be worked on but I am sorry that I’m not sober anymore right now…         

Hope is all I can ask for

So…lets start off by saying that I know life is hard.  It’s hard for different people in different ways.  That being said Life is AMAZING!!! Life is what we are doing right here, right now. 

It is coming up on my year of weight the Idea Protein diet and I have lost 100lbs.  This is great!! I still would like to lose 120 more but right now I am dealing with life.  Eating for me has always been a way to push down my hurt.  Whatever that hurt is/was food would take it away.  Sure it would only take it away for a moment but that moment was bliss and let me live in my pretend world.  As of last year I stepped out of my pretend world and have been living each day as I can.  Some days I crush it.  Other days it crushes me.  The last 6 weeks I have been in a state of constant anxiety.  Sometimes I turned to food other times I was able to use food as just fuel to make it thru.  Right now I need to get back into the use food as fuel mind set as I do not know what the next six weeks will bring.  I have seen the Man that I Love (and who Loves me back) struggle to live, struggle to breath, struggle to keep his sanity and I am in awe.  His strength, his kindness, he general Nate’ness it something I strive for.  He is now breathing on his own and gaining his strength back so one day soon I hope to have him home.

Life it is AMAZING as some people do not get to hope for having their partner home, other have a partner at home and don’t appreciate them, and then others wish for a partner to be living again so they can touch them once more.  I know I am lucky as Nate breaths and as long as he does there is hope and that is all I can ask for. 

Strength in others is amazing to see

I was able to see my Godparents for the first time in over 17 years.  We’ve been on contact thru e-mails, calls, and cards thru the years but it is not the same as putting your arms around someone, hugging them and looking into their eyes to see the love they have for you and hope they see the love you have for them. 

It was a very humbling trip… I knew my Godparents were strong, physically, mentally, spiritually.  But I now have a whole new found Love and Respect to see that strength played out in the darkest of times. 

When life is not what you thought it would be, when you work all your life so you can enjoy your golden years and they end up being something so far from where you wanted to be.

The Love they have for each other is amazing to see.  The Strength each of them gives each other is something that leaves me at a loss for words.

I wish more could be done but letting them know I am here for when they need me is all that can be done.  I will continue my road ahead trying to keep in mind the strength I see in both of them.   

Comfortable with the choice I make for me

It has been a little over a month and I’m still wearing jeans but I have not lost a lot of weight (I have not gained either so I’m putting this under the win column).  Some of it is food choices, some of it is body chemistry (getting backed up…) some of it is stress. 

Counseling is helping (a lot) but it is also showing me how much I stuffed down with food.  Now that I am trying not to do that anymore I am left to face what I have run away from for so long.  I know that I can’t share the specifics with anyone (my choice) but learning to face what I don’t want to face is… I’m not sure if I can even find the words to say what it means to be fully truthful, even if it’s just with one person (yourself).  

Letting out what you have held in for so long is very freeing.  It is no longer something I need to hide from myself.  I can acknowledge it and move on. 

I’m going to be 43 this year and maybe should have done this earlier in my life but I can’t roll back the clock.  I can only move forward and be comfortable with the choice I make for me.  This is scary as all my life choices I made where made with others in mind.  Don’t get me wrong I will still put the ones I Love first as I think it’s who some of us are but there are people who I no longer need to make my choices around.  We are all adults and living for me is new and still stumbling thru what works best but I know I am loved and that helps me learn to love me.  

Today I wore jeans to work

Today I wore jeans to work… I wore jeans yesterday as well.  It has been 8 years since I have worn jeans.  I tried a couple of months ago but they were a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable.  Today (and yesterday) I was happy, I had “big girl” pants on and I could breath and sit and not feel like a blob.  I still have 120lbs to lose but today I work jeans to work and it feels great!

I need to learn how to not let it win…

It’s been about 8 months that I have been on ideal Protein and have lost a total of 99 lbs.  Yesterday was the 3^rd anniversary of my Father’s death and it hit me hard.  I try so hard to let go of him so I don’t feel like I’m keeping him bound to this planes of existence. 

I feel he suffered so much in life that I want his energy to be free.  I want to feel like he is happy but I miss him so much that it hurts my heart, my soul to know that I will never hear his laughter again.  I will never be able to introduce him face to face to the Man that I love. I will never hug him again and I can’t stand the pain of this loss. 

I stuff it down with food to stop the emotional pain, emotional pain is hard for me to handle and the pain of filling myself physically to the point of feeling stuffed quelches this pain… not for very long but it gives me a moment or two of not feeling that deep pain that takes your breath away.

How do you let the pain of loss go without forgetting, without letting it harden you, without letting it consume you?

Food can’t get rid of it.  My drug of choice causes more pain as it lets me know when I think I have a handle on it that I don’t.  Food still is what makes the hurt stop for even a moment or two. 

I’m emotionally drained and feel defeated in this moment because I let food win.  I know I will pick myself up and move forward but it will be with the knowledge that food still can consume me and that is a scary thought.  I need to learn how to not let it win…